The Scarlet & Black

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The Scarlet & Black

The Scarlet & Black

Feven Getachew
Feven Getachew
May 6, 2024
Michael Lozada
Michael Lozada
May 6, 2024
Nathan Hoffman
Nathan Hoffman
May 6, 2024
Harvey Wilhelm `24.
Harvey Wilhelm
May 6, 2024

Horoscopes: The Signs in a Zombie Apocalypse

Graphic by Shabana Gupta.

By Celestial Maiden, Celestial Mistress, and Celestial Minion


Reminds you that you owe them money even though there’s no Venmo. Thrifts off of zombie bodies to sell… somewhere. Gold watches and random wallets will save me, right?


Has prepared an underground bunker for such occasions. Fully stocked on canned vegetables and Nutella (the essentials). Trying not to go stir-crazy surrounded by food and their prized collection of vintage cuckoo clocks.


Works at the CDC. Discovers the epidemic is caused by squirrels. Grinnellians will be the first to go.


Wouldn’t kill a zombie even if it was biting them. Gets involved in a love heptagon as soon as the zombies start rising. Eventually dies from tripping over a zombie. 


Competed in debate for one semester and appointed themselves as group leader. Division of labor doesn’t apply to them, but they sure are motivational.


Proclaims they’ve religiously watched The Walking Dead so they’ll definitely survive. Immediately buys a katana from Amazon. Dies after not figuring out how to pull it out of the sheath.


Definitely got bit at some point and didn’t tell anyone. Hides the illness with tacky sweaters in July.


Stays inside watching The Real Housewives and sipping mimosas. Absolutely cannot be bothered by the screams outside.


 Still has a sense of humor despite the end of the world. Can’t tie their shoes consistently, but somehow keeps finding supplies. 


Knows first-aid and won’t shut up about it. Refuses to scout for food because they’re a VIP survivor. Recommends a CAT scan and expects you to find one.


Can somehow make a five-star meal out of canned tuna and dirt.


Patient Zero.

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