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Horoscope: Which practical mode of transportation are you?

Henry Loomis

Aries: Tesla Cybertruck  

March 21-April 19 

You are slightly controversial, but no one can deny that you are a trailblazer. Just keep owning who you are, and people will come around to your genius eventually. 

Taurus: Submarine 

April 20-May 20 

Usually, your moves go undetected, but when you make yourself known you loom large. Your simple exterior hides the complicated workings within. We hope you aren’t planning anything too sinister.  

Gemini: Tricycle  

May 21-June 20  

You’re in touch with your inner child, and you like to stay down low where it isn’t so scary. So soup up your ride with some sparkly tassels and a bike horn that isn’t annoying at all. 

Cancer: Pedal boat  

June 21-July 22 

You heavily relate to Tanya from Mamma Mia! You thought this was a really good idea before you started doing it. We just hope you can own up to your actions and finish what you started. 

Leo: Hoverboard 

July 23-August 22 

You are the quintessential trend setter, and you think that you look cool doing it.  Regardless, we know you have some smooth moves. 

Virgo: Unicycle  

August 23-September 22 

As a very practical sign, you decided to take energy efficiency even further. You not only save gas — you save materials while looking funky and fresh.  

Libra: Venetian gondola  

September 23-October 22  

Ruled by Venus, it’s in your nature to go above and beyond to set the mood 😉 Impress your lover with this sick ride. All you need is some music and brie.  

Scorpio: Stilts  

October 23-November 21 

There’s no such thing as a tiny step for a man if that man is a Scorpio. They really should have sent you to the moon. You will do anything to maximize your movements — we just hope you have a good balance. 

Sagittarius: Feet 

November 22-December 21 

If you’re so independent, then why rely on anyone — or anything — for transportation? All you need are your own two feet and a compass. All set!  

Capricorn: Segway  

December 22-January 19 

Paul Blart: Mall Cop who? You innovator, you! You decided to take traveling on foot to the next level and become a human on wheels.  

Aquarius: Heelys 

January 20-February 18 

You were definitely the most popular kid on the playground, right Aquarius? You never settle for the mundane, especially when it comes to your shoe choices.  

Pisces: Parasail 

February 19-March 20 

You like to go with the flow. We catch your drift, Pisces. Your mind is always in the clouds, so why not join them yourself?  

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About the Contributor
Henry Loomis
Henry Loomis, Graphic Designer
Henry Loomis is a second-year studio art major from Eau Claire, Wisconsin.  He loves books, trees, the artist Ellen Gallagher, movies, but especially queer films involving the ocean, and grows more obsessed with Joanna Newsom every day (the songs seem long, but he promises they’re engaging).
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