By Celestial Mistress, Maiden, and Minion 

Aries

Does meeting up with “Flannelbear” in the Casey’s bathroom count? 

Taurus

Responds to all their Tinder messages with “wanna go for a walk?” Somehow always ends up on the top of Ahrens Hill not really sure if they’re on a date. Doesn’t really matter either way, they just need to get their 10,000 steps. 

Gemini

After waiting an hour at the Hometown Heroes counter, realizes they were stood up and orders three more plates of cheese curds. Love may disappoint them, but grease never will.

Cancer

There aren’t plenty of fish in this puddle. Three hours on FaceTime with the ol’ high school crush will have to do. 

Leo

Dreams of a romantic Mac Field stargaze sesh were dashed by an encounter between the recently melted snow and their new Reformation jean jacket. Who knew the toxic fumes of Langan laundry room could get so steamy, though? When they asked their date if they had any Shout they didn’t plan on meaning it literally. 
 

Virgo

Thought their lab partner just wanted to work on the homework at Saints Rest. Two sips into their cortado and they realize these questions aren’t from the textbook but are from the 36 that lead to love. Wait where’s his backpack…

Libra

The weird kid in CS asked Libra on a date and they reluctantly agreed. Now they’re in the DASIL lab with their date trying to code them like one of their French girls.
 

Scorpio

Pays for a $45 online background check before their date. They find someone with the same name who was arrested for murder in Arizona in 2017, cancels the date, realizes the birthdays don’t match up, texts “wait nevermind I AM free lol” and leads with this fun, flirty anecdote.

Sagittarius

Asks you to come over and watch the Criterion Channel with them. Talks the whole time about Bernie Sanders and the novel “Lolita.” Good thing the movie was in German so there was nothing to miss.

Capricorn

The Prairie Canary reservation is at 7. Capricorn arrives at 6:30 sharp and promptly orders truffle fries. All that’s left when their date shows up at 7:05 are a smear of aioli, parmesan shreds and a plate of oil.
 

Aquarius

Tells their date about how they broke their hymen horseback riding and then says that they’re “actually just looking for a friend.”

Pisces

Puts their favorite crystals in their pocket for good luck. Wait… does amethyst protect you from serial killers? Maybe they shouldn’t have agreed to meet in the woods at midnight…