by Celestial Mistress, Maiden, and Minion 

Aries

Being off the meal plan is a wonderful, cost-effective perk of living off campus, unless your roommate is a die-hard pescatarian and lackluster dishwasher. Those flecks of burnt salmon really put the crispy into Aries’ homemade rice crispy treats! 

Taurus

Taurus’ roommate is taking the NSO bonding crafts a little too seriously. Matching friendship bracelets were kinda cute, but DIY D-Hall napkin lingerie??  

Gemini

Looked under their roommate’s bed to identify where the strange smell that had been following Gemini like a petulant musk, only to find dozens of filled to-go boxes shoved behind a lump of dirty laundry. They’re pretty sure they saw the mold stirring…. 

Cancer

Has a single but keeps hearing soft giggling at weird hours of the night … this twin XL is not big enough for Cancer and the not-so-friendly Haines ghost who has absolutely no regard for personal space.   

Leo

Growing up as the youngest sibling made Leo sure they were ready for a roommate, and yet nothing could prepare them for Grinnell’s entrepreneurial forced-quad doubles. Twin bunk beds are NOT the look, especially when Leo’s 19 and can’t run to mommy and daddy’s room to escape the snores.  

Virgo

Virgo thought they’d be okay with their roommate’s three emotional support lizards until learning they’d be accompanied by a small horde of constantly chirping crickets. At least they always have lo-fi hip-hop insect noises to study to :/ 

Libra

It’s rude to go through another’s belongings, Libra understands that, but in an act of desperation they went searching for a post-it and discovered the largest collection of pleasure paraphernalia they’d ever seen. Who knew their roommate has been operating SHIC out of a dorm on James 2nd this whole time?  

Scorpio

Having a hookup always on hand is hot, but you know what isn’t hot? Arguing over the state of the food-spattered mini fridge post-coital. Tensions are rising and not the sexy kind.  

Sagittarius

Sagittarius’ main goal this semester was to find love (and become a badass woman in STEM of course). Little did they know they’d be an outside observer to the cutest roommates-to-friends-to-lovers story unfolding under their own roof. Maybe they’re down for a throuple … Sagittarius could work with that. 

Capricorn

Waking up in the middle of the night to a rhythmic squeaking noise. Capricorn is hoping for a rat infestation but has a sinking sensation that it’s more likely ancient bedsprings plus three weeks of pent-up lust between the roommate and their long-distance girlfriend. 

Aquarius

Aquarius decided to try their luck parsing through the class of 2025 Facebook group for a roommate. Melanie seemed sweet enough from her post, but she really wasn’t kidding when she said she likes “The Office.” If they have to wake up to Steve Carell’s nasally cackle one more time, Melanie’s gonna find her “World’s Best Boss” mug hurtling off the Main 4th fire escape. 

Pisces

A low-key spa night turned feral when Pisces’ roommate misjudged the vibe and brought along a ouija board and a baggy of shrooms to get everyone “in the right headspace.”