by Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden, and Celestial Minion 

Aries

Leo’s mom (a Taurus, of course) just brought in the Cheez-It snack packs and cups of SunnyD. Good thing Aries brought the half-empty bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade they’ve been holding on to since their sister’s sweet 16 to really get this party starteddd.
 

Taurus

Is passed the fuck out on the couch despite how much noise everyone else is making. Nothing, not even the end of the world, could wake up Taurus, except for maybe the vaguely demonic chanting in the bathroom. (Don’t worry, they’ll make up for it in paralyzed silence while lying in their sleeping bag from 4:30 to 7:00 a.m.) 

Gemini

Is locked in the bathroom frantically soaking up their piss from the floor with paper towels. This was not their first Bloody Mary experience – but did anyone else see the lights totally flicker?! 

Cancer

Streaming “The Woman in Black,” (2012) starring Daniel Radcliffe succeeded in providing inspiration for Cancer’s short king fanfic, but it also has them holding onto their tattered, one-antennae ladybug Pillow Pet for dear life all night long. 

Leo

Just wanted everyone to come over for skin care and a scary movie, and now Libra’s literally in an ambulance, Taurus fell asleep at 9 p.m., Sagittarius is tipsy and Cancer refuses to sit with the lights off.  
 

Virgo

Helping Leo’s mom figure out the fuse box after a curling iron mishap during their “drag queen makeover” upstairs resulted in a neighborhood-wide power outage.   

Libra

Is moaning on the trampoline, flip cam in hand, after a creative vision for a slomo cartwheel shot in the chorus of their “I Got A Feeling” music video resulted in nothing but a broken collarbone.  

Scorpio

Refused to change into their p.j.s because Leo said their older brother was on his way home from lacrosse practice and Scorpio has been saving this Roxy tank top and Hollister mini skirt set for just such an occasion.  

Sagittarius

Really wants to play Never Have I Ever but no one else is down. How else will people find out about that time last summer when Sagittarius bumped into Jason Wheeler during a game of Marco Polo and he was totally hard?! 

Capricorn

It’s that time of the night – Capricorn has pulled out their furry cat ear headband and is communicating strictly in meows, purrs and hisses.  

Aquarius

Is walking around with headphones plugged into their iPod Touch filled to the brim with indie music they think makes them “edgy.” Despite their need to mope, they can’t help but smile at Cancer’s ladybug Pillow Pet.  

Pisces

Really, really, really wants to go home but they’ve used up all of their mom’s no-questions-asked-I’ll-pick-you-up-at-any-time-of-the-night passes after last year’s bar mitzvah season. This is going to be a long night.