By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion

Aries

You’ve spent too many afternoons staring longingly through the front windows of Burling, palms pressed to the glass, a single tear falling to your cheek – cursing fate for keeping the jungle gyms just out of sight but never out of mind. 

Taurus

Bummer your scurry absolutely blows, but you’ve gotta stop with the wistful glances at the hordes of Loose kids flaunting the hottest “#1 Grandpa” sweatshirts Second Mile had to offer. What did you expect when you joined the “Dungeons and Drag-CORNs!” Discord last August?

Gemini

Weep not over your plastic bag of Iowa Ham Balls, sweet child. You got your pretty penny’s worth when you skipped your tour for the stir fry line on Admitted Student Day. 

Cancer

Every Cancer loves the warm feeling of a freshly decorated room. But maybe hold off printing every photo you’ve ever taken to put on your new dorm room wall? I promise you’re the only one who thinks that blurry photo of your friend is funny.

Leo

No one blames you for trauma bonding with a cutie from Tutorial, developing a toxically co-dependent relationship online and only coming face-to-face with them on your two-month-anniversary; if we were the only two people left on Earth, I’d let you take my quarantine virginity. 

Virgo

Congratulations on being the nail in the coffin of Grinnell’s institutional memory! To ease your disappointment at the lack of Grinnell culture, dumpster dive through Facebook search results for “self gov” to learn that it maybe never existed in the first place.

Libra

Your second-year neighbor is one more music-blasting night away from knocking on your door and telling you to fuck off. No one else needs to hear you process your high school love life to early 2010’s pop music.  

Scorpio

Dutifully doing your research to find creative sex positions that reduce close face-to-face contact – respect the grind (especially because it’s not taking place against a wall in Harris.) 

Sagittarius

While your mom might look furious as she’s forced to retrace the nine-hour route back home just six days after you arrived on campus and decided you deserved the “authentic” college experience, take solace in the belief that she’s probably just really disappointed.  

Capricorn

It’s common knowledge that you tend to love the “serious types”, but that does not mean you should virtually seduce your young professor. It’s just their Zoom lighting that makes them “magnetic.”

Aquarius

Campus not everything you imagined after doom scrolling through TikTok under that one Vampire Weekend sound? Sorry hun, but this ain’t the East Coast! The only Greco–Roman thing you’ll find around here is that intended econ major in Classics 248 – talk about Adonis. 

Pisces

Isolation was rough on you, Pisces. Ask your scurry to bake with you! Who knows, maybe the guy down the hall who looks like a young Keanu Reeves could give you something to spice up Nana’s ol’ brownie recipe.