Dear Sugar and Spice,

A friend (A) started dating a mutual friend (B), I and some other friends are really not huge fans of B or their relationship. I was slowly distancing myself from B but that now means distancing from A and I don’t really want that. If I distance from B it will be pretty obvious what I’m trying to do and I’m sure I’ll have to explain at some point why, which would definitely hurt A. How do I distance from B without hurting A’s feelings or losing them as a friend in the process?

Sincerely,

Buddy in a bind

Hello Mr. Bind, 

Yup, yup, yup, this is a tricky one. Our first question is why are you trying to distance yourself from B? Is B a bad friend? Does B treat A poorly? If so, then completely understand the stress of the situation. If, however, B just kind of gets on your nerves, this may be a bit harder to navigate.

If B is an objectively bad person, then depending on your relationship with A, it would probably be wise to tell them. It’s sort of like when your friend has food in their teeth. Do you tell them or do you let them walk around with broccoli between their incisors? Most likely, if you’re good friends, you’d tell them about it. 

Also, if you were in that situation, wouldn’t you want to know all the information? If A learns about your true feelings for B and then continues their relationship, it either means your opinion means less to them than you thought it did, or they have decided B has changed for the better. Hopefully you are able to understand that without knowing A and B’s relationship, you may not be able to determine what exactly A sees in B. 

After analyzing your reasoning for wanting to separate yourself from B, we think the best course of action is to be honest with your friend. If B  makes you feel uncomfortable or is hurting your friend, please distance yourself. But if B just rubs you the wrong way, it might be best to maintain a polite distance. 

Please feel free to write to us again with more specifics or follow up questions. We wish you the best, and are so glad to hear that you are so consciously thinking about how to be a good friend to the people in your life. We wish more people were like you. 

Xoxo,

Sugar and Spice