By Celestial Mistress, Maiden, and Minion

Aries

Has awkwardly waved at the cutie they had a romantic meet-cute with at a High Street party, only to receive a simple nod in return. How tragic, just two ships passing on a manure-scented night.  

Taurus

Sobbing and shaking uncontrollably whenever they see the empty hammock poles. How are they going to find a lover without being able to strategically splay themselves seductively on those rustic ropes 10 minutes before the lunch rush?  

Gemini

Orders handcuffs and accompanying leather harness. Don’t worry, they’re cruelty-free … for the cows at least 😉 

Cancer

Negging their physics tutor during mentor sessions with the hope that they come across as a hot edgy bisexual, not a cold-hearted mean bisexual.  

Leo

Treating the walk down the middle aisle of D-Hall like a first episode entrance on The Bachelor. Anyone care to accept this rose at a date table?  

Virgo

Spends a dangerous amount of time in the athletic building looking for a big hairy gay man, to no avail. They really named this place the Bear for nothing, huh? 

Libra

Thirst-yakking in the wee morning hours and chickening out when an eager burrito emoji takes them up on their offer. 

Scorpio

Coming up on week seven of the talking stage … Scorpio knows that U-hauling is only a stereotype, but does it have to be?  

Sagittarius

Switches their Tinder bio to “hooking up has left the chat, only swipe right if you’re ready to snuggle up and watch The Great British Bake Off.” 

Capricorn

Figures out their crush’s schedule to the T and plants themselves at a town square table just hoping today’s 2:15 p.m. walk-by will be the one to push this casual acquaintance-ship into the great unknown of friends-who-accidentally-but-purposefully-make-eye-contact-with-each other-across-the-HSSC.  

Aquarius

Compiled their best main character Spotify playlist and sits sipping their lavender latte from Lucky Cat whilst buried behind books in Burling. Someone, someone will turn the corner and ponder over Aquarius’ mysterious aura.   

Pisces

Broaching the topic of baby names with the friend they always call ‘wifey’. Pisces really hopes that after their forced enthusiasm for a name like ‘George,’ they finally catch the vibes.