by Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion 

Aries

Spills chloroform during O-chem lab, forcing their entire class to evacuate Noyce. Guess they weren’t as much of a natural as they thought while reading the instructions via Blackboard last year.

Taurus

Tries to pay for their $70 Hometown Heroes bill with dining dollars. After finding out this is not the grill everyone’s been talking about, they attempt to barter with the medallion Anne Harris gifted them at the commencement stage last week. Sorry, Taurus, looks like rookie of the year is going to someone else. 🙁

Gemini

Both getting TikTok famous and doing a year of college from their childhood bedroom killed all of Gemini’s brain cells responsible for remembering libraries exist. After walking into Burling for the first time, they declare, “Wait … it’s so dark academia vibes in here…”

Cancer

Dedicating a week of early morning study seshes to solidify their regular status at Saints Rest only to get whiplash with the daily rotating cast of baristas. How many large iced raspberry steamers with soy no cinnamon does Cancer have to order before they walk in with one ready at the counter?

Leo

Boldly asked their groupmate what their class year was, expecting to have found their own personal “babie freshie” only to garner the response “um… I’m a fourth year.”

Virgo

What does Virgo get for staying up the entire night before tour guide training memorizing the campus layout? Cussed out by a fourth year for shouting to a gaggle of first years that we call the JRC “the Joe.”

Libra

Desperate to be indie and edgy, Libra found a new hidden hangout after picking the lock to that cool-lookin’ blue building by Cowles. This gym would be so fun to dance in, why doesn’t anyone throw a party here??

Scorpio

Walking into their anthropology advisor’s office was a real shock for Scorpio when they realized the WebEx camera really does add ten years.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius has been getting dinner in to-go boxes every night – not for Covid safety reasons, of course, but strictly to feel the S1 nostalgia of garlic tofu inflected with notes of disposable plastic.

Capricorn

Arriving late to the first day of POL-111: Intro to Political Science in the Humanities and Social Studies Center after rushing out of Martha Cleveland Hall with wet hair, stopping by the Joe Rosenfield Center for a cortado at the Spencer Grill. Maybe they’d get their quicker if they didn’t run out of breath every time they had to say a location, why doesn’t anyone at this school use damn acronyms?

Aquarius

Frantically rummaging through the closet looking for their best cowgirl-meets-soft-pretzel-enthusiast fit that won’t clash in the Ferris wheel lighting to no avail. Excuse you if they want to dress to impress – the party IS at the county fairgrounds, right???

Pisces

Still dating tutorial bae, but we’ll see if this relationship can make it past the one-year anniversary Dari Barn date … The ASMR flirty voice is more creepy than cute off Discord.