The Scarlet & Black

The Independent Student News Site of Grinnell College

The Scarlet & Black

The Scarlet & Black

Feven Getachew
Feven Getachew
May 6, 2024
Michael Lozada
Michael Lozada
May 6, 2024
Nathan Hoffman
Nathan Hoffman
May 6, 2024
Harvey Wilhelm `24.
Harvey Wilhelm
May 6, 2024

The Signs on Valentine’s Day


By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden, and Celestial Minion 



This is it, Aries. It’s time to make a decision. You either need to ask them out or continue to “run” into them in the Dining Hall dinner line. Flirting in a face shield: not the move.  


We get that “if you were on campus you definitely would have V Day plans,” but time is ticking baby. Will you make that Facetime call, or is it another early night of Franzia and Love is Blind while your mom knits her fourth throw blanket on the couch next to you? 


That quarantine romance is reaching its end  but might I suggest not breaking it off on Valentine’s Day? You need to work on your bedside manner. 


At this rate, “Love Story” (Taylor’s version) is guaranteed to make AT LEAST the Top 5 on your Spotify Wrapped  you sure you’ll be alright with that kind of vulnerability on your Insta Story next December? 


Self-prophesizing as a TikTok bimbo is not the move that will catch your fifth crush’s attention. It’s a polar vortex, baby! It’s okay for hoes to get cold.  


Don’t let anyone tell you that giving Valentines is so middle school; if they don’t appreciate your tireless dedication then they don’t deserve your subtle yet snarky flair for the poetic. 


WebEx is not a dating app. Your behavior is going to turn that breakout group into a break-UP group. Stop the in-class flirting and start a romantic email exchange on Outlook like a normal person.


Just hold out a few more weeks and you’ll be back on campus telling us all about your latest trysts via the Burling bathroom wall, you dirty dog.  


Hook up safely, you horny jester. Getting laid doesn’t have to mean getting COVID, but you’re gonna have to mask up with more than a dental dam to keep Miss Rona out.  


A tender smooch is in your future  better invest in some Burt’s Bees for those crusty lips! 


Brace yourself. The ex that made you play Olivia Rodrigo’s “Driver’s License” on repeat is about to shoot a text your way. And no, they aren’t with that blonde girl that always made you doubt. 


Suggested Ao3 search terms for your pleasure: mature  enemies to lovers  consent  frottage  porn with feelings  light angst  wing kink.

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