By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden, and Celestial Minion 

Aries

This is it, Aries. It’s time to make a decision. You either need to ask them out or continue to “run” into them in the Dining Hall dinner line. Flirting in a face shield: not the move.  

Taurus

We get that “if you were on campus you definitely would have V Day plans,” but time is ticking baby. Will you make that Facetime call, or is it another early night of Franzia and “Love is Blind” while your mom knits her fourth throw blanket on the couch next to you? 

Gemini

That quarantine romance is reaching its end … but might I suggest not breaking it off on Valentine’s Day? You need to work on your bedside manner. 

Cancer

At this rate, “Love Story” (Taylor’s version) is guaranteed to make AT LEAST the Top 5 on your Spotify Wrapped – you sure you’ll be alright with that kind of vulnerability on your Insta Story next December? 

Leo

Self-prophesizing as a TikTok bimbo is not the move that will catch your fifth crush’s attention. It’s a polar vortex, baby! It’s okay for hoes to get cold.  

Virgo

Don’t let anyone tell you that giving Valentines is so middle school; if they don’t appreciate your tireless dedication then they don’t deserve your subtle yet snarky flair for the poetic. 

Libra

WebEx is not a dating app. Your behavior is going to turn that breakout group into a break-UP group. Stop the in-class flirting and start a romantic email exchange on Outlook like a normal person.

Scorpio

Just hold out a few more weeks and you’ll be back on campus telling us all about your latest trysts via the Burling bathroom wall, you dirty dog.  

Sagittarius

Hook up safely, you horny jester. Getting laid doesn’t have to mean getting COVID, but you’re gonna have to mask up with more than a dental dam to keep Miss Rona out.  

Capricorn

A tender smooch is in your future – better invest in some Burt’s Bees for those crusty lips! 

Aquarius

Brace yourself. The ex that made you play Olivia Rodrigo’s “Driver’s License” on repeat is about to shoot a text your way. And no, they aren’t with that blonde girl that always made you doubt. 

Pisces

Suggested Ao3 search terms for your pleasure: mature – enemies to lovers – consent – frottage – porn with feelings – light angst – wing kink.