By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion
Aries
Unknowingly beginning their career as a drug mule driving over the border from Tijuana with a unicorn pinata they found at a party – the perfect souvenir to commemorate a week of unbridled debauchery.
Taurus
Browsing Pinterest on their iPhone 4S to find Duck Tape™ dress patterns that will really spice up their Effie Trinket costume for the midnight premiere of “The Hunger Games.”
Gemini
Sitting in the passenger seat of a Jeep in Omaha, Nebraska, bumping Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO while on their way to their externship at Blue Cross Blue Shield with their new alumni friend Eric.
Cancer
With a week of repose ahead, why not crack open Rick Riordan’s masterpiece, “Heroes of Olympus: The Mark of Athena?” Just hope the ending isn’t too much of a cliffhanger – waiting until October 2013 for the next installment sounds like absolute torture.
Leo
Slightly disappointed that the gorgeous mountain road trip views in Utah have been smothered by literally hundreds of “Romney 2012” signs every mile.
Virgo
Just can’t decide between their favorite YouTube collabs this week, but it has to be either Zoella and SprinkleofGlitter’s Best Friend Tag OR Tyler Oakley’s “Twin Twinks Learn Gay Slang” video with JacksGap.
Libra
Spring break presents the perfect opportunity for an aesthetic makeover. Beanie? On. Jeans? Skinny. Posts about “the game?” Reblogged on Tumblr. Mustache? Tatted on the inside of your pointer finger. The Lumineers? Streaming on Pandora.
Scorpio
Now that their English midterms are done, Scorpio can settle down with a copy of this new book called “Fifty Shades of Gray” they just got from the book shop (it sounds kinda hot!!?).
Sagittarius
After doing a deep dive into the logic behind the Mayan Calendar predicting doomsday, Sagittarius has decided to elope with their two-month lover before building a barricade to grow old together in.
Capricorn
Defending “The Walking Dead” to their last breath in a “Don’t Talk to Me Unless You’re Daryl Dixon” graphic tee because actually they’re called walkers and it’s more than just a show it’s the modern zombie zeitgeist so get on board or go back to “Grey’s Anatomy” – talk about a show with an unsustainable narrative!
Aquarius
Although Miami was meant to bring back Aquarius’s tan, the weather has decreed that they will keep their post–Midwestern winter pale complexion. At least they have Just Dance 2 to keep them entertained in the hotel room.
Pisces
Channeling their best indie-cool-girl-post-Harry-Potter Emma Watson impression from “Perks of Being a Wallflower,” driving through the I-70 tunnel in Denver, Colorado.
