The Scarlet & Black

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The Scarlet & Black

The Scarlet & Black

The signs on caucus night


By Celestial Minion and Celestial Maiden


Advocates for a Bernie/Tulsi ticket after being hypnotized by Her watchful gaze from the six TULSI billboards they passed on their drive back to campus. 


Somehow gets their caucusing location wrong and ends up at the top of the frozen big slide at the water park yelling about Michael Bloomberg.


Takes an online quiz two hours before that shows their views are aligned most closely with Tom Steyer, and is shocked when someone asks them what they “like as a person” about their “favorite” candidate.


Knows no “birthday party” is complete without volunteers with clipboards guilting you into canvassing. 


Pulls up to the function with something rolled in their Mike Gravel #EndtheWaronDrugs papers to light when their favorite candidate wins. 


Gets in a shouting match with another candidate’s group and ends up being led out of the event after an impromptu wrestling match.  


Completely misreads the tone of the event and unsuccessfully tries to crowd surf, showing that #NotMeUs does not always apply. 


Tries to pregame the caucuses and ends up vomiting behind a surprisingly small life-sized cardboard cutout of Pete Buttigieg.


Ends up caucusing in the wrong booth after confusing a heavily touched up picture of Amy Klobuchar for Marianne Williamson, who dropped out months ago. 


Gets on CNN spouting some bullshit about Andrew Yang and math and retweets it endlessly for the clout. 


After spending the last year advocating for Elizabeth Warren’s plans, has a crisis of conscience in the last second and caucuses for fellow Virgo Bernie Sanders. 


Decides that they will take the rest of the semester off to volunteer for whoever wins just to get out of town. 


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