By the Celestial Maiden and the Celestial Minion

LIBRA: Public humiliation. Like dropping their tray in the D-Hall and having someone slap their ass and yell “you’re a bad boy!” while everyone claps.

SCORPIO: Visiting the climbing wall during open hours but making everyone uncomfortable by getting an erection when they inevitably get tangled in the wires.

SAGITTARIUS: Having group sex with their ex, and their best friend’s ex, and their ex’s ex to resolve the (sexual?) tension they imagine exists between everyone. Coming first is a power move.

CAPRICORN: Sleeping together… on their back, with their arms across their chest, and absolutely no parts of their bodies touching. Actually, maybe just a slight necrophilia thing.

AQUARIUS: Making D-Hall avocado toast on their lover’s body and then licking it off lovingly in the whale room.

PISCES: Choking and slapping their longterm partner during sex but then apologizing profusely for it afterwards and promising they aren’t a misogynist, they swear, really, it’s just kind of hot, I don’t know why I’m like this.

ARIES: Arguing loudly with their partner and then finishing the argument with loud sex and yelling all the things they love about them in funny accent — so that the neighbors can hear.

TAURUS: Being the first one to have public sex in spaces on campus. The HSSC atrium: don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

GEMINI: Offering someone a sensual massage and then getting too focused on their feet until they get uncomfortable and leave early and then they’re just left there alone… again.

CANCER: Baking a cake with a picture of their lover’s genitals on it and then forcing them to eat it while they closely watch.

LEO: Submitting their “artful” nudes as a chapbook to Press and then inviting all of their friends to the grand opening and asking for their opinion.

VIRGO: Cracking open their organized drawer of all the sex stuff they own and watching someone’s jaw drop at how pristine it is.