8:18 a.m.—As typical, I awake in a pile of fun size Snickers wrappers amazed that I am allowed to vote.
8:33 a.m.—I put on my workout attire and fresh Jordans and get ready for another lifting sesh filled with sick gains. My motto: Get active and get lactic, baby.
10:00 a.m.—I head to my Intro to French course. I need to remind myself to add French to the “spoken languages” tab on my Facebook. Or should I say, “mon Facebook.”
10:03 a.m.—I strategically place my Sartre pocketbook on the side of my desk. No one notices or cares. He was right.
11:30 a.m.—I eat lunch alone because my friends never come to lunch at the time we agreed was the perfect lunch time. I know. It’s messed up. 11:30 guys, seriously pull it together.
12:45 p.m.—I check the donations on my dual retro appliance/organic non-GMO marmalade company Kickstarter page. Ahhh, the beauty of entrepreneurship and individual initiative. Making moves.
12:48 p.m.—I hate Kickstarter. It is a silly website for childish dreams.
2:15 p.m.—I head to Steiner for my 200-level philosophy course, but honestly, what is life but a philosophy course that we are continually going to?
2:23 p.m.—Start to live tweet my philosophy class. Just wait ’til my 377 loyal followers get a load of this highfaluting mumbo jumbo.
2:24 p.m.—I apparently have 376 followers now.
4:00 p.m.—I arrive at Freesound to practice with my instrumental spokenword FKA Twigswave ensemble Comic Smams.
4:20 p.m.—Ron Paul It.
5:30 p.m.—Dinner time. I have a compelling intellectual discourse with my friends. We discuss many topics, including: 1. What is the dopest Digimon? 2. Which Jonas Brother is objectively the cutest? 3. Why weren’t you guys at lunch?
7:48 p.m.—Procrastinating, I check my Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Yik Yak, YouTube, Tumblr, LinkedIn, Friendster, Napster, Habbo Hotel, Neopets, the Lord of the Rings wiki page and Flarpnarp.
8:33 p.m.—I unironically learn how to play Hinder’s “Lips of an Angel” on acoustic guitar. Valentine’s Day is coming up.
9:55 p.m.—I head down to Cleve Pit to chill with the dudes Samburt Burt ’17 and Luc Moisan ’17. Iowa boys stick together. We talk about flannel, black tea, Nabokov and other insufferable topics.
10:42 p.m.—I begin my nightly ritual of listening to American Football and watching Naruto Shipudden. Not always at the same time, but often so.
11:53 p.m.—I text my girlfriend goodnight and to tell her I shaved my awful terrible mustache.
12:00 a.m.—I slowly drift into dreamland. All right, it’s time to manage a successful and lucrative dual retro appliance/organic non-GMO marmalade shop!
