4:27 a.m. – Wake up. Watch roommate sleep.
7:55 a.m. – Eat favorite breakfast of raw dragon eggs and unicorn.
8:33 a.m. – Write love letter to Justin Bieber. Await response.
10:49 a.m. – Punch brick wall to build upper body strength. Tear shirt to unleash Hulk powers.
11:21 a.m. – Shop online. Buy any and all wolf-themed clothing and accessories.
12:22 p.m. – Play Quidditch with imaginary friend.
12:33 p.m. – Lose match 210 to 20.
12:57 p.m. – Make Jell-O, but don’t eat it. Instead put bowl in a quiet room and wait for ripples indicative of an approaching T-Rex. Keep thumb on Jeff Goldblum’s speed dial… just in case.
2:16 p.m. – Wash hands…never clean, never clean.
2:41 p.m. – Wash imaginary friend. Imaginary dirt is the hardest to remove.
3:18 p.m. – Call Mother. No answer. She screens my calls.
3:20 p.m. – Walk pet rock. Avoid paper, natural enemy of the rock.
4:03 p.m. – Poop.
5:52 p.m. – Still pooping.
6:39 p.m. – Watch cat videos.
6:51 p.m. – Wear camouflage snuggie. Blend in with surroundings.
7:11 p.m. – Drink a gallon of milk. Impress the ladies.
7:47 p.m. – Puke on the ladies. Hide in tree.
8:21 p.m. – See talking spider. Oh wait, it’s just Joan Rivers.
9:07 p.m. – Get crunk with da bros.
10:01 p.m. – Travel through wormhole to 12:53 a.m.
12:53 a.m. – Poop.
1:41 a.m. – Practice air guitar… turn up the air amp… impress the air ladies.
2:26 a.m. – Sleep … I wish my pillow was an Ewok.
4:27 a.m. – Wake up. Realize I missed class. Watch roommate sleep.