4:27 a.m. – Wake up. Watch roommate sleep.

7:55 a.m. – Eat favorite breakfast of raw dragon eggs and unicorn.

8:33 a.m. – Write love letter to Justin Bieber. Await response.

10:49 a.m. – Punch brick wall to build upper body strength. Tear shirt to unleash Hulk powers.

11:21 a.m. – Shop online. Buy any and all wolf-themed clothing and accessories.

12:22 p.m. – Play Quidditch with imaginary friend.

12:33 p.m. – Lose match 210 to 20.

12:57 p.m. – Make Jell-O, but don’t eat it. Instead put bowl in a quiet room and wait for ripples indicative of an approaching T-Rex. Keep thumb on Jeff Goldblum’s speed dial… just in case.

2:16 p.m. – Wash hands…never clean, never clean.

2:41 p.m. – Wash imaginary friend. Imaginary dirt is the hardest to remove.

3:18 p.m. – Call Mother. No answer. She screens my calls.

3:20 p.m. – Walk pet rock. Avoid paper, natural enemy of the rock.

4:03 p.m. – Poop.

5:52 p.m. – Still pooping.

6:39 p.m. – Watch cat videos.

6:51 p.m. – Wear camouflage snuggie. Blend in with surroundings.

7:11 p.m. – Drink a gallon of milk. Impress the ladies.

7:47 p.m. – Puke on the ladies. Hide in tree.

8:21 p.m. – See talking spider. Oh wait, it’s just Joan Rivers.

9:07 p.m. – Get crunk with da bros.

10:01 p.m. – Travel through wormhole to 12:53 a.m.

12:53 a.m. – Poop.

1:41 a.m. – Practice air guitar… turn up the air amp… impress the air ladies.

2:26 a.m. – Sleep … I wish my pillow was an Ewok.

4:27 a.m. – Wake up. Realize I missed class. Watch roommate sleep.