Horoscopes: How Each Sign Spends Parents Weekend

Ms. Constellation Prize

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Takes their parents to every corner of campus but won’t explain what any of the acronyms mean or any of the lore around campus. They keep saying HSSC (husk) and parents think they’re making a reference to corn. Their parents know better than to ask questions and are just happy to be there.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

 Friday night, they bring parents to a High Street party and make them dance until 1 a.m. (the parents beg to go in by 10 p.m. — they’re not trying to relive their own college days). The parents wake up super hungover, but their student is fine, and begs them to take a spontaneous day trip to Iowa City.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Drags their parents to every single “Parent Weekend” event, including their full schedule of classes. Also makes their parents pay for their shopping spree at Second Mile, a bunch of new merchandise from Pioneer Bookstore and a tab for their friends at Spencer Grill.

 Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Lets their parents walk themselves around campus while they make sure to hit all the weekend’s parties on campus. They somehow magically charm the hostess at Prairie Canary for a table during the dinner rush and a round of free drinks.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

 Introduces their parents to every single person they run into on campus and introduces themselves to anyone they have yet to meet themselves. They seem to keep running into some unsavory people (their ex-fling from spring semester, their former CA who caught them smoking and a random first-year they met during Halloweekend), but surprisingly play it off.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Aries makes sure all of their friends meet their parents, so their friends and the parents can talk about all of Aries’ accomplishments. They also meet as many of their friends’s parents to establish themselves as the alpha on campus and so everyone knows who their competition is.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

 They already sent their parents a full itinerary of events in August, made sure they got the nicest room at Hotel Grinnell and the perfect reservation slot at Prairie Canary. This schedule must be followed to a T, otherwise the whole weekend is shot — what’s the point if not?  

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Puts on their best outfit to maintain their reputation of being the best-dressed person on campus. It also gives their parents the illusion that they are super stable and have their life together. But the truth is their life is in shambles just like everyone else during this mid-semester lull. The only thing they are sure of is that they are the hottest student.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

 No plans or arrangements have been made for Cancer’s family this weekend. They’ll grab a last-minute reservation at a hotel off the interstate and focus on having the goofiest weekend possible. They’ll attend tons of events with a totally nonchalant attitude and giggle in the back row with their parents. They’ll have an emotional goodbye at the end of the weekend.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Takes their parents to the High Street party and loses to them at rage cage, pong and die. They’ll insist for the rest of the weekend that “I let my parents win” so they could relive the college experience and never admit that their parents bested them.

To remind everyone how cool they are, they invite their parents out to the loggia for a drunk cigarette.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Shows their parents all their favorite study spots by making the parents sit in those study spots and wait while they finish up their assignments. They rotate through Burling, the HSSC Atrium, the Grill and their dorm’s lounge. It’s a productive weekend for their schoolwork, all things considered!

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

 Spends the whole weekend showing their parents the coziest spots around campus (Burling beanbags, Spencer Grill couches, the Pubs office, their own bed with the world’s best mattress topper, the SHIC couches). They sit in these spots and reminisce on their favorite memories at their childhood home and then regale their favorite college memories to their parents (even the unsavory and embarrassing ones).