Dear Sage & Blunt,

I consider myself quite a social person, however having one-on-one hangouts with my friends is where I thrive. I recently had an experience with a friend that left me a little upset. We had made plans without a real activity in mind, and I made the assumption that it would be a quiet night in. It quickly became apparent that they wanted to pregame for an upcoming party. I’m always down for a spontaneous change of plans, but they didn’t talk to me to even gauge if that was what I wanted. Even worse, they seemed to want my approval for going out. I didn’t want to be a buzzkill, but at the same time, I just wanted to spend time with my friend. I know a conversation is probably needed here, but what are some ways I might soften the blow?

Sincerely,

 Fatigued Friend

Dear Fatigued Friend,

I like you! You’ve already done half my job for me and given yourself a little advice at the end of your letter. I agree with you, this can be talked out. You clearly value the time you spend with this person and they care about earning your respect. If I were you, I would set up a date with them and plan your ideal night in. Cook them a meal! Give each other haircuts or just watch a movie — whatever fills your cup (and hopefully theirs) with the kind of joy you get from quality one-on-one time. It’s nice to remember why you like being in each other’s lives, and it will make the conversation easier.

I think you can also soften the blow by owning the fact that you set an expectation for the night that your friend wasn’t aware of. To be fair, they had no way of knowing that you were looking forward to a different kind of hang than they were. Chalk it up to a good old-fashioned misunderstanding, and then assure them that you’ll make it clear what kind of time you’re trying to have when you make plans in the future, then actually do what you say: communicate. This sounds like the kind of person who would want to know if they had upset you, and it’s hard to imagine anyone responding negatively to the feedback that their friends want to spend more time with them. I hope they take it well, and I wish you both many more nights of clearly communicated, planned fun.

Signed,

Sage & Blunt