Horoscopes: What should your goal be this semester?

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) 

Go to the gym more. Get ready for your next sexual awakening via an after-workout-sweat-sesh-turn-near-orgy. Second goal: find out when the track team uses the steam room.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) 

Go semi-viral by unboxing SHIC’s newest dildos and vibrators and finally put your OnlyFans account to good use.

Aries (March 21 – April 19) 

Become an entrepreneur and start a hair salon in your dorm to rival even Sharp’s sexiest barber. First step: get a full tattoo sleeve. Second step: learn how to cut hair.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) 

Stop talking to people you hate. Only remove your AirPods during class.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) 

Lean into your spirituality. Start studying in that building next to the HSSC — the light coming in through the stained glass is so dark academia vibes. It might make you feel something.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) 

Improve your academic writing skills. You’re never going to take things to the next level with that sexy writing mentor if they don’t know that you’re extremely dedicated to the craft.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22) 

Host Grinnell’s first White Lotus Harris. Yes, someone will die at the end, but the vibe will be more Season 2, Episode 3, 59:53.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) 

Learn how to make a few fun mixed drinks (especially if you’re tired of your friends telling you that Fireball and orange juice is just not the vibe).

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Revamp your wardrobe so hard that GOGUE does an entire special issue on Grinnell’s newest fashion mogul.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) 

Star in the raunchiest rendition of “Oklahoma!” that the theater, dance and performance studies department has ever seen.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) 

Eat more adventurously and explore all that the D-Hall roller grill has to offer. Smart Dog? Sign me up! 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) 

Your fantasy football addiction has become a full-time job. Pick up a few shifts at the Bear info desk so you can finally get paid for your labor.