Life at Grinnell sucks when it is full of restraints and when personal liberties gets lost in the shuffle of essays drafts, this week’s Craig’s List deals and those readings for Silva. But life is great when your closest friends are willing to party at the slightest excuse and at any indiscriminate hour. Round’-the-clock Van Wilderin’ could take you and four of your friends through the Rockies, into British Columbia or to a frat party at Washington and Lee (ok, probably not that one). The party life at Grinnell, though, does come with some responsibilities that are worth noting. Some of them—bong training, beer bong training, beer pong training, (Raynard) King(ton)’s Cup training, and others—need not be discussed here because you will undoubtedly receive a bit of on-the-job attention. Other keys to college life—pulling a successful all-nighter, avoiding a foreign language, excessive destructive decisions and sex—will be discussed because they are very important, as well as relatively suitable for a print.
When I pull a successful all-nighter, it reminds of pulling an unsuccessful all-nighter, mostly because they are the same thing. An actual all-nighter is successful when one is able to remain awake through the night, either to complete an assignment or party for no reason. In either case, someone wins—even if the only winner is McNally’s. That’s the key idea right there, first years—achievement! An unsuccessful all-nighter, like its more fortunate counterpart, is thematically all about staying up all-night. The only difference is the fact that in an unsuccessful all-nighter, someone stays up but cannot accomplish anything—not even a shot of whiskey. Then, one has damaged their body for nothing, unless they play World of Warcraft or Starcraft. Those are outside of my area of expertise, but I do know that the time has come that we as Grinnellians need to get serious about our bodies. When 10/10 comes around, forget everything I just said—in English.
Learn a new language tomorrow by translating the previous paragraph on Google translate and then memorizing it. Then, enroll in the beginning course for the next semester because, by definition, Pioneers need to be good at languages. I think that is true because Pioneers (or at least the kind the United States has had) often go to unsettled places inhabited by people who speak a language different other than English. Everyone knows that if you talk to an indigenous person in another random European language there is a better chance of you getting your point across. Go be Pioneers! Go chart the uncharted, but don’t plant anymore corn!
The destructive decisions you make are very expensive for somebody, so think about that $3,000 essay (only one per semester) before you smoke that $7 spliff on your way to class. If you have to drug, get coffee. Don’t start smoking pot at 12:50 if you have pottery at 1:15. They are different, and you might not finish the joint in time. Don’t smoke pot if you have Bio, Chem, Biochem or Neuroscience, although it certainly does add a few compounds to the discussion. Point is, destructive decisions at a private liberal arts college cost a lot more than never-ending bowls. You can get those later—they never end.
This column will close with a seductive nightcap. Okay, hug and kiss your loved one, lover or loved four, if you prefer a pentagonal arrangement. Kissing is the only thing you should be doing without protection. Visit the SHIC in the Main Hall atrium, where they sell condoms for cheap (25 cents or something). It’s open on Thursdays from 7 to 9 and Saturdays some other time. Besides, my room is always open and I always have free condoms. Fondle away—Momma’s no longer next door.