By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion

Aries

I’m not saying that I’ll be a better option than the last guy on here, but did he casually invest stocks in GameStop when he was thirteen and is now living it up on a yacht like Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street? No? Is that the kind of guy you’re looking for? Honestly, I hope not because all I’ve got is a Pizza Hut coupon for half-off a two-topping medium pie but if we both learn to lower our expectations…I think we could make it work.

Taurus

Tell me your plans for #NationalPoundCakeDay 

send nudes and i’ll donate to a bail fund <3 #acab #VersTop 

Gemini

Just a sweet sexy couple looking for our third  

Cancer

Just your average Hufflepuff looking for the right one to Slytherin 

it’s a love story baby…just swipe right  

Leo

I’m not saying I’m a s*gar b*by but if you’re a doting daddy swipe right 

Virgo

Reading philosophy books to trick people into thinking I’m smart, but doing it ironically so they know I’m not, like, weird about it ?

Libra

Heads up, there’s a reason I’m here and not on Hinge ?  

Scorpio

I’m so sick of this shit tbh 

Sagittarius

8’7” if that matters 

People tell me I look like Jim from The Office haha do you know that show? 

I’m a simple man, I see a dog, I swipe right 

Capricorn

If you’re lactose intolerant but still eat cheese you’re the right type of nihilistic for me. 

Don’t swipe right if you’re not gonna start a conversation  

Aquarius

Letterboxd is linked below if you want to check out my recent review of Pulp Fiction, hint – Tarantino’s magnum opus 

Pisces

Let’s watch old reruns of The Voice while making macarons and streaming Alt-J at your local library