The Scarlet & Black

The Independent Student News Site of Grinnell College

The Scarlet & Black

The Scarlet & Black

Couple’s Therapy: Holding out for a Hero


By Mary Binzley and McKen

[Dear Dr. Meulemans: We had a lot of fun writing this one. Our relationship, slowly but surely, might actually be improving. Hopefully, we can discuss that more in our next session along with our payment plan. XOXO McKenna and Mary]

As you may be aware, Raynard S. Kington ‘22 is transferring. (To Philip Academy Something or Other.) What will meme culture on campus be like without the infamous RayK? Who could replace such an irreplaceable figure? The college is on a desperate search for a new president. So desperate in fact, that the application is even open to students (yes, we have applied). However, after about three seconds of deep, academic thought, we came up with a list of five better candidates than Dr. K. Here is our assemblage of his only acceptable replacements:

5. Clifford (the Big Red Dog)

Who taught us more about love as children than Clifford? At Grinnell College, a gray, cold, lonely prairie in the middle of Iowa, what do we need more than unconditional love? Yes, thank you, I will take a ride across the prairie on your big red back.

Strength: 9/10

Speed: 8/10

Size: 1/10th of Noyce

Doggo: Yes

Campaign Slogan: “Big. Red. And you can use my tongue as a slide.”

4. Billy “Ray” Cyrus and Lil “Nas” X

Montero Lamar Hill ‘20 and William Ray Cyrus ‘23 (which one is which?) are a power duo everyone needed but nobody knew they wanted until the smash success of their hit single. If Old Town Road can make that many waves, just imagine what they could do for the future of Grinnell College.

Strength: 5/10

Speed: 8/10

Equestrian skills: 10/10

Cowboy Hats: On

Kissin’ the Homies?: Infinitely

Campaign Slogan: “My life is a movie, bull ridin’ and boobies…my achy breaky heart.”

3. Marianne “Do You Want to Know Today’s Fact?” Ronan (the cheery checker)

We need someone in office who is knowledgeable, not just in the field of college administration, but also in the world at large. Nobody knows more facts than the Fact Lady, known formally as Marianne. She would help us all become cheerful trivia champions. And what more could a person want? Straight facts.

Strength: 10/10

Speed: 2/10

Facts: Infinite

Size: four gerbils standing on top of one another

Campaign Slogan: “Do you want to know today’s fact? Good-ni-ight!”

2. Mark “the ZUCCC” Zuckerberg

Can you imagine this reptilian NERD running Grinnell College? Yes, so can we. He’d probably start a Grinnell-specific social networking site and leak our data. Although that might make for a gentler transition since it’s nothing we haven’t dealt with before! Additionally, student activism would rise to unprecedented levels. One Student ‘22 (who wishes to remain anonymous) said, “If Mark Zuckerberg was our president, I would literally burn his house down. Yes, I do own a Facebook account.”

Strength: 0/10

Speed: 4/10

Morality: -10/10

Lizard: Yes

Meme-ability: Infinite

Campaign Slogan: “I would very much enjoy occupying an authoritative position at a learning institute for adult humans. SSSSS”

1. Kim Hegg (the mailroom lady)

Perhaps no name is more recognizable on this campus than Kimberly J. Hegg’s. We have all received dozens of identical emails from her. Although we know little about her life outside of the mailroom, we can be sure that she will be an effective, consistent and efficient communicator with the student body. Has anyone ever seen her in person? No? It’s because she’s so fast. This woman will get things DONE.

Strength: 3/10

Speed: 10/10

EPD (Emails Per Day): 12

Campaign Slogan: “If you are remaining in Grinnell over break, please put yourself on the DO NOT FORWARD list.”

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