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The Scarlet & Black

The Scarlet & Black

Couples Therapy: complaining until we’re content


By Mary Binzley and McKenna Doherty &

[Dear Dr. Meulemans: Here is our first attempt at repairing our relationship (by doing what we love most … complaining). See you Wednesday for our session. How much do we owe you again? Sincerely, Mary and McKenna </3]

Not to make any bold claims but … this week blew. Absolute trash. Disappointing. From class (barf), low attendance at the best event of the year (spoiler alert: it wasn’t Frank) and then whatever is up with the caucuses, God et al. really put us through the wringer. But with a few minor tweaks, it truly could have been a week to remember.

First of all, the Packers should have won the Super Bowl. No cap. In an ideal world, the Packers—the GTOAL: Greatest Team of All Time—beat the Titans (everyone’s favorite underdog) 23-22. The Wisconsin Club would have reserved the front four Dining Hall tables for the die-hard fans. Culver’s would have provided catering. Instead, neither of us cared enough about the game to even go to dinner. Sad. Actually, the most ideal world would have magically brought the Miami Dolphins (GOOO Bortles!) to the Super Bowl and the halftime show would have involved live marine animals.

Now, this next one might be controversial. But on God, Tom Steyer should have won the Iowa caucuses. Sure, Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren might have better, more progressive and more inclusive policies. Sure, Bernie Sanders doesn’t accept donations from billionaires, and Tom Steyer is a billionaire. But you know what they always say: politics is all about marketing. And by far, Tom Steyer had the best advertising campaign in all of history. Dove soap? Always? Trash compared to Tom Steyer. Our only critique is his omission of live marine animals from his advertisements (and life). The only better winner would have been Marianne Williamson. #Justice4Tom #Justice4Orbs #Facts

On a similar note, what if Glen Bell’s Taco Bell: Fast Food Restaurant Company located on 229 West St. had not closed? Instead, it simply relocated operations to the Grinnell Dining Hall and finally revealed the prank this last Tuesday, Feb. 4. Now instead of weird catfish-based dishes every other day, the student body can revel in Crunchwrap Supremes and Baja Blasts. The College even installed aquariums in the walls so students can watch live marine animals frolicking as they enjoy their corporate meals.

Speaking of Taco Bell, what would have been better than a student-led investigation resulting in the discovery of a methamphetamine lab hidden in the currently-under-construction ARH? Hear us out: have you seen Breaking Bad? You know how the “pest removal company” covers houses with that plastic sheeting before fumigation (aka meth making!!)? Have you seen all the plastic covering the ARH? But have you seen any pests (besides Grinnell students)? Something just does not add up. Can you imagine how much the endowment would grow with the sale of some of that good crystal? Maybe the College could even freeze its tuition rates … Plus, we (Grinnellians) would probably all be way more pleasant to each other if we were just high (well, higher than usual) once in a while.

Finally, Goth Gardner should have been a smash hit (in an angsty, sullen kind of way). Every individual on this campus attended; including those studying abroad, construction workers and the cheery checkers (one edgy teen also spotted a campus squirrel). Then, during an especially potent Fall Out Boy song, guess who crashed the party? Yeah, that’s right, somehow MCR and Paramore heard about the celebration and performed a live three-act show involving live marine animals dressed entirely in black lace and fingerless gloves. Unfortunately, Bob’s is now the equivalent of a less controversial SeaWorld. President Raynard Kington recently received his certifications to become both a dolphin trainer and lifeguard and will be forfeiting his future position as Head of Phillips Academy. (And, honestly, that gives us better access to a former student space, so who’s complaining?)

Tune in next week for our candid thoughts on the Grinnell Presidential Search …


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