Welcome to a special edition of Queer Eyes: “Friend Match Making!” This thematic diversion is inspired by my participation in the Grinnell queer community. I have managed to make friends here, which I was completely unable to do growing up. So, in this special edition, I am taking a member of the general Grinnell population, and helping her to gain friendship in the queer or not queer communities here. This person is the same friend who is interested in crafting on the gay side of the grill and will defend the universality of flannels. I now present you with the friendship profile submitted to me.

Proposition: Fourth year student seeking friend

• Short term position (with possibility for extension)
• Must be pet-friendly

Candidate:

• Recently 22
• 5 feet 5 inches in shoes
• Described by others as “an old man trapped in the body of a child”
• Self-described as having “a childlike innocence”
• Claims to be from “Napperville, Napper-thrill Illinois” (yes, candidate’s presence puts the “thrill” in “Napperthrill”)
• Every parent’s favorite friend (75 percent guarantee your parent/guardian figure will like her better than you, or money back)
• For second “play date,” candidate is interested in pursuing bowling, after she has had a chance to “get to know you a little bit”
• Adjective that best describes candidate: crafty
• Recently interested in yo-yoing, always interested in Outerspace and felines (together or apart)
• Has acquired six yo-yos in the immediate past, can’t really seem to get them to work but also has a yo-yoing glove for her coarse hands (that were so dry they bled every single day in second grade)
• Lives by the motto: “We have to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles and work. Or waffles, friends, work. Except not work.”
• Sometimes has cookies
• Candidate will most likely be able to walk again soon
• Candidate’s favorite book in 6th grade was “definitely ‘The Giver.’” In the years after sixth grade, was a “big Hunger Games person.” Now, “not really much of a reader.”
• Favorite cinematic genre is psychological thrillers — candidate likes to be “intellectually stimulated” by the television
• Current search for friends does not imply lack of favorable qualities, she just doesn’t get out much

Searching for:

• A friendly companion
• Allows pets
• Has a sense of humor, but dark. “I don’t jam with people who don’t just hate everything a little bit”
• Applicant should be open minded (“obviously”) because you never know what the candidate “is going to throw at you”
• Interested in joining new clubs, such as the beekeeping club
• Candidate has experience in butterfly hunting and is looking for someone interested in extending this skill to bird watching and/or star gazing (candidate comes with her own personal set of binoculars)
• Applicant experience with friendship is encouraged but not required
• Candidate in search of a “deep connection” with applicant
• New friend probably can’t have a lot of other friends because candidate is not great with new people, but also applicant can’t be someone who is always available and wants to always hang out. Candidate is in search of a friend who will play “hard to get,” meaning they are not too eager to go out, but in the end still willing to. Quality of friendship success will be completely measured by success of “banter”
• Candidate says of herself: “I mostly get along with cold, callused people who are as pessimistic as I am” and is especially interested in applicants who are also “cold”
• Generally nice demeanor preferable but not “clingy”
• All human beings are encouraged to apply. Candidate is not picky, but particular. Trial “hang outs” will be available for promising candidates who bring snacks to the interview. Bribery is encouraged. This is friendship people: take it seriously. I am hoping that the general readership of The S&B can come together to help create a bond between two strangers based on made-up qualities presented in the school newspaper. Interested parties should submit a detailed resume, a brief cover letter and finally, two to three references (please only include friends, not family members as they have potential for bias). Creative gestures of friendship are encouraged in the process of submitting application materials, but not required. All application materials should be delivered to campus mail box #3950.

Gaylord Phoenix can ensure that candidate is an amazing friend. She is so much fun to be around — it surprises me every time I see her how much I laugh. All applicants are lucky to have a chance at such an amazing friend, but this search encourages applications from the serious and not so serious. Candidate doesn’t handle seriousness well. Thank you for your time!

—Gaylord Phoenix