Like many Americans, I watched exactly zero minutes of the 2018 Winter Olympic Games based in Pyeongchang, South Korea. However, last week, in between my frequent visits to ESPN and PioneerWeb, I couldn’t help but notice the many headlines triumphantly touting America’s “dominance on the ice.” After I remembered that NHL players weren’t allowed to play in the Games and thus our U.S. Men’s hockey team couldn’t be the object of this near-universal praise, it dawned on me that our great nation had finally conquered its final, unexplored athletic frontier: curling.

Curling, for those like me whose cable packages don’t include obscure winter sports, is something akin to “ice bocce.” Players take turns sliding stones along the ice towards a bullseye, while their teammates furiously sweep to give the object a direction and speed. The goal is to have your teams’ stones closest to the center, and this fact adds a layer of strategy to a competition that may quite possibly be conducted in a semi-inebriated state.

It only takes one look at our gold medal-winning men’s curling team, who defeated Sweden in the finals, to understand the atypical nature of America’s newest sports icons. Tyler George, Matt Hamilton, John Landsteiner, Joe Polo and John Shuster all look like they would be more comfortable starring in a Rogaine commercial than winning medals on the world stage, and I will admit that I briefly mistook George for my sixty-something Uncle Chip.

Despite this, these men are extraordinarily talented in their chosen profession. From the fifteen seconds or so of video that I have seen, their broom skills stick out as being particularly world-class. They display the same vigor and dexterity that my roommate Ryan Chang ’21 used to sweep up Younker Lounge after Sweater Party.

Although the American team defeated the Swedes in the final, a 5-3 defeat of Canada in the semifinals was arguably the biggest upset, as the Canadians had won gold in the last three Olympic Games.

Following a lackluster overall performance in which many U.S. stars failed to medal, it felt good to see our country finally stick it to our neighbors up north, whose progressive health care, high quality maple syrup and handsome prime minister consistently put us to shame.

Despite a top finish, the curling team had their fair share of unsavory Olympic moments, with skipper John Shuster singled out for his mediocre performance and controversial leadership style. In the early rounds, his timing was off, producing tosses with no accuracy whatsoever.

All jokes aside, these curling giants perfectly encapsulate one of the coolest things about the Olympic Games — that is, they give us the chance to witness and celebrate athletes whose hard work, dedication and talents are often underappreciated or largely ignored.

For a country where four or five sports have a monopoly over most viewership and cultural capital, it is refreshing to see deserving athletes receive their fifteen minutes of fame.

While in all likelihood these curlers will eventually fade into the background of public consciousness, their accomplishments shall stand the test of time, carved into the very same Olympic record books as the gold medalists in track and field.