Column by Christian Clark
clarkchr@grinnell.edu

Welcome to the Hot Room, Grinnell! So, in this edition, we’re going to attempt to figure out who “Becky with the Good Hair” is. Beyoncé’s crazy-ass fans have attacked Rita Ora, Rachel Roy and Rachael-fucking-Ray. Now, if you don’t know, Rachael Ray is a chef — somebody I watched on Food Network every day after school. I highly doubt Jay Z chose somebody who can cook over somebody who is riding around on his “surfboardt.” Either way, I’m going to weigh the pros and cons of each of these candidates to see who “Becky with the Good Hair” really is.

First, we’ll examine Rita Ora. She’s a British singer signed to Jay Z’s label. She released a few good songs a long time ago, disappeared into the fame abyss, released a trash-ass song with Iggy Azalea, and had a 30-second role in “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Now, she’s talented (sort of, I mean, she has a nice voice), she’s stylish, she has motive to sleep with Jay Z because she is currently suing his label and she’s British. With these few things, I think she would be a qualified Becky. However, she’s pretty low level compared to Beyoncé, honestly, and because of that, her application is being denied. Rita Ora cannot be “Becky with the Good Hair.”

Next on our hit list is Rachael Ray. Now, Rachael Ray is invited to the Black cookout. Her “30-Minute Meals” show was beautiful and she was not afraid of seasoning her food. Pros could be that she can cook, which means a Black mom would love her. She has a slight amount of fame and wealth. She has her own food businesses. Unfortunately, everything under the sun has a flaw and hers is just being Rachael Ray. That’s like choosing D-Hall food over a real restaurant, you know? We deal with one because we pay $50,000 for it, but we always prefer the other. Sadly, we won’t be offering Rachael Ray the job of Becky.

Finally, it is the beautiful Rachel Roy. According to multiple media sources, she is the woman who got Jay Z’s ass beat in that elevator. If that’s true, Rachel should not fuck around with it because what’s stopping Solange from catching her? Nothing. I’m sure Beyoncé would handle them legal fees for her. In reality, she’s gorgeous and successful (I think, I’ve never actually heard of her outside of the billion-dollar elevator fight). She’s not on Beyoncé’s level in any situation, which could actually be why she’s Becky! I solved it. It makes sense for Jay Z’s dumb ass to choose her over Rita and the other Rachael because he actually knows her and recognizes that her lack of star power is a benefit. He probably paid her millions on millions to stay quiet, but Beyoncé found out and proceeded to make an album about it. I think we need to hire Rachel Roy and make it official. The position for Becky with the good hair is now filled. I’m sure the position will be re-opened in a few months when Jay Z loses sight of what he actually has at home.

I know you guys heard about it all being a hoax, though! Money could also be “Becky with the Good Hair” because Beyoncé is reportedly set to make a lot of money off of “exposing” Jay Z’s infidelity. Now, I would not put it past Beyoncé and Jay Z to create their own drama for profit. I mean, with the level of music she’s producing these days, I wouldn’t put anything past her. So, before you end your relationships because Beyoncé has convinced you that your partner is hiding a “Becky (or a Brian) with the Good Hair,” realize that you won’t be benefiting the same way.

Isn’t it interesting that no one has thrown Rihanna’s name in the candidate pool? I mean, Rihanna has good hair and she has a reported past with Jay Z. But actually, I doubt Rihanna would want to do anything with Jay Z. So, it’s between Rachel Roy and money. Who do you think “Becky with the Good Hair” is? I’m going to go with Rachel Roy because I would hope Beyoncé and Jay Z are not that desperate for sales and attention.

Thanks for joining me for this edition of the Hot Room. It’s been too real, Grinnell!