The Scarlet & Black

The Independent Student News Site of Grinnell College

The Scarlet & Black

The Scarlet & Black

Feven Getachew
Feven Getachew
May 6, 2024
Michael Lozada
Michael Lozada
May 6, 2024
Nathan Hoffman
Nathan Hoffman
May 6, 2024
Harvey Wilhelm `24.
Harvey Wilhelm
May 6, 2024

Staff ed: I still have 55 pages to write before Monday . . . FML

This morning, I went to get my clothes from the dryer in nothing but my boxer briefs. I didn’t think anyone was there, but when I bent over to retrieve my clothes, an FM was behind me laughing. My underwear had a hole in the ass. FML.

I finished my ten-page Poli Sci final paper, and while I went on a celebratory Grill sandwich run my friends hacked into my computer and changed the word “Proletariat” to “Cockgobblers.” They didn’t tell me until I sent it in. FML.

My friend always leaves his weed in Cleveland Lounge but the last time I did, the cops confiscated my eighth. And my computer. And my shoes. FML.

I didn’t tell the truth on my lounge contract for Gerbil Fest and Travis Greene just made me pour out 40 gallons of Jungle Juice. FML.

I have an assload of work, but since everyone else’s to-do lists on Plans are much longer than mine, I can’t be as big a dick as I deserve to be. FML.

Hawkeye. FML.

Ralph Savarese just threatened to release a packet of information with my name on it. He’s really yelling a lot. FML.

That party last night was awfully crazy. Wait, we didn’t tape it?  FML.

Savarese is still yelling. FML.

An image of John Burrows running a leopard print teddy up his body is burned into my brain. FML.

I just put up all of my stolen goods from Grinnell on eBay and Pat Ritter caught me while surfing the Internet on the couch. I should have stuck to dealing drugs. FML.

I’m facing federal charges for sending drugs through the Postal Service. I should have stuck to stealing expensive
computer equipment and selling it on ebay. FML.

I was five minutes late to the State of the College speech. When I got there, it was already over. FML.
I thought the No Limits Project was holding a silent protest in front of the Dining Hall. Thirty minutes later, I realized it was a line for Star Trek tickets. FML.

For the past week, I’ve eaten nothing but 3 a.m. pancakes. I think I’m starting to believe in Jesus Christ. FML.
Today, I unintentionally created a first-year sub free dorm. FML.

I got trapped in a bouncy castle with Dean Skerrett’s kid last Saturday. FML.

I was in the PEC shower and this guy asked me to help him apply shaving cream to his scrotum. FML.

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