By the Celestial Maiden & the Celestial Minion

SCORPIO Starts their show in a suit which slowly transforms into a ballgown which slowly transforms into nothing. Then they disappear too. Wow, what a way to go.

SAGITTARIUS  Tried, and failed, to get all their friends to perform the Christmas number from “Mean Girls.” Aries boycotted saying it wasn’t camp. Sag disagrees.

CAPRICORN  Has their drag debut their fourth year. Is almost unrecognizable onstage, so much so that everyone asks afterwards who that hot first-year was.

AQUARIUS Falls asleep due to Daylight Saving Time and misses the show. Stays up until 4 a.m. smoking and watching RuPaul’s Drag Race to recover from the FOMO.

PISCES Feels at home in their fishnets. Takes their crush skinny-dipping (with fishnets, of course) after the show—but watch out for those red and blue spotlights!

ARIES Gets in a fight with Sagittarius on whether Sontag or Butler had a more poignant theory of drag, camp and performance.

TAURUS Runs lights for the show and creates a beautiful canvas for all their friends … But when will they get to join the fun? At Reggaeton afterwards, of course.

GEMINI Is holding out hope that there’ll be a number about the football team. Nothing says drama, performance, and extravagance like football.

CANCER Is reprimanded by ACESS for pulling audience members up on stage during the show. Brings back the most $$$ of any performers of the night.

LEO Do we even need to write this one? They already know they’re the star of the show. And their wig even stayed on. Amazing.

VIRGO Accidentally tips their favorite performer twenty dollars instead of a dollar. Isn’t even mad about it, because they’re working hard up there and it’s all for charity anyway.

LIBRA Gets “too into” their drag persona and walks around campus wearing slinky sequins in twenty-degree weather for weeks after the performance. Refuses to be referred to in public as anything other than “”.