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The Scarlet & Black

The Scarlet & Black

Sexual education 101, with special topic: threesomes

Dear SHIC,
My partner and I are really interested in trying a threesome. We’ve got a couple of people in mind for the third partner, but we’re wondering how to practice safe sex when there are three people involved. Do you switch condoms between partners, or what?
Thanks,
Three’s a Crowd!

Hey Three!
Yes, yes, yes! To practice safe sex in a threesome, you definitely need to switch condoms between partners. This can obviously get a little complicated depending on the configuration of partners. The best way to ensure that things stay safe and consensual is to talk it out beforehand. Pick your third partner, and discuss what you’d like to do (and what’s off limits) before anyone gets naked. The conversation should occur between all three participants and not just between you and your partner. Make sure to make explicit who is comfortable having sexual contact with whom and that no one feels forced to participate in the threesome or to have sexual contact with someone they do not want to.

The bottom line is that barriers should be used between all partners, and changed in between partners. For example, switching condoms between partners to avoid sexually transmitted infections (STIs), pregnancy or breakage due to multiple uses. In a heterosexual context, it would also be a good idea to use spermicide to avoid pregnancy in case there was any accidental transfer of fluids. For the sex to be truly safe, using a dental dam (or non-microwavable plastic wrap) when performing vaginal or anal oral sex and using a condom when performing oral sex on men is essential as well. It’s important to consider that in a threesome situation, hands are likely to go all over the place, and hands with bodily fluids on them can be risky too. To be extra safe, use latex gloves, finger cots (tiny condoms for your fingers!) or wash your hands with soap between partners.

STI testing is also a great idea in this scenario, but unless the three of you have been celibate or monogamous for six months prior to testing, the barriers are necessary as well. If the third person is a person you do not know well who claims they have been tested and are STI free, still use another form of protection because you do not know whether the person is being honest about their status. Although it sounds complicated, these conversations beforehand will make things much easier, safer and consensual. Dialogue is also important because poorly planned sexual encounters with a third partner may cause latent feelings of jealousy and betrayal. Have things planned, have all of the necessary conversations, have all your safer sex supplies on hand, and then have some fun x 3!

Love,
SHIC

Dear SHIC,
I recently started having sex, and I can’t help but feel like I’m a little clueless! How do I get better at giving my partner what they want…or even figuring out what that is? Are there some resources that will suddenly make me better at this?
Thanks,
Desperately Seeking Skills

Dear DSS,
Starting your first sexual relationship can definitely be a little daunting. For all the practice you may have had on your own, there’s nothing like throwing another person into the mix to make you doubt everything you thought you knew. The ideal solution to these concerns is to talk to your partner. More than likely, they’re just as self-conscious about giving you what you want as you are. It’s especially helpful to have these discussions ahead of time, and talk about trying new things before just going for it. Because everyone’s different, the only way you can really know what someone likes is to ask them–whether they show you or tell you, this is probably your best bet. Communication is the key to mutually satisfactory, safe and consensual sexual relationships.

Aside from attacking the problem directly, do your research! If you’ve never taken an anatomy class, make sure you’re clear on where everything is. A lot of mainstream porn doesn’t give great examples of genuine pleasure, but instructional porn exists, and it can be helpful to watch it with your partner to get some new ideas. There are also a lot of great books (“The Joy of Sex,” if you’re feeling particularly retro or “The Guide to Getting it On” if you’re feeling particularly hip) that can give you some clues about where to start. However well intentioned your research is you’re still going to need to talk to your partner about their desires, especially if you want to try something new. Be sure to talk about what you want to get out of sex, what type of sex you want to have, how you want to do it, how to be safe and how to verbalize consent throughout the entire process. Work together, listen to your partner’s suggestions and don’t be afraid to laugh if new ideas fall a little flat!

Love,
SHIC

The Sexual Health Information Center is a student-run resource center located on the first floor of Main Hall. SHIC offers confidential one-on-one peer education sessions and also sells condoms (more than 20 kinds!), dental dams, lube, pregnancy tests and more for affordable prices.
We’re open 3-5 p.m. on Sundays, 7-9 p.m. Mondays and Thursdays, and 4-6 p.m. Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays.

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