Welcome everyone, to the holiday guide edition of queer eyes! I hope my readers had a smashing Thanksgiving, and by smashing, I mean you ruined all of your aunt’s holiday photos by being the one standard queer cousin who doesn’t know how to pose in a family setting. As the honorary gay cousin in my family, I know I did a smashing job this year as I have in years past, especially the year I wore a sweater vest over my Steve Nash Jersey to Thanksgiving dinner and then my aunt gifted me nail polish and a Barbie for Christmas just a few weeks later.

I would like to dish out some holiday tips to help you make the most of this festive season.

1. What should you watch when the snow gets a-chillin’? Some movie recs:

a. While I was home for fall break, my mother took me to what she called a “movie about a lady who writes a book.” She did not seem to think it was important to mention that it is the gayest movie ever invented and that it would completely reaffirm my existence in this world. The movie is called “Colette” and will be released on DVD early December. Based on a real person, the movie tells the story of a not-so-simple country girl who marries a publisher from the city and writes him a story that he publishes and takes the credit for. The ending is really powerful and stars the beautiful and incredible Kiera Nightly. 17/10, would recommend.

b. My second recommendation is “Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald.” If you can momentarily get over the fact that Johnny Depp is in it, the movie has fantastic effects and completely exceeded my expectations. The number of plot twists fit into this movie still has me shook.

c. I also wanted to include some gay Christmas episodes that I found online/have seen and think are great: Will & Grace “A Gay Ole Christmas,” “Chilling Adeventures of Sabrina” (on the whole I’m a pretty big fan of this show), “A Midwinter’s Tale,” and “Shitt’s Creek Christmas Special” (also on the whole another super funny show).

2. Do you hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling yet? Music Recommendations:

i. (obviously) Mariah Carry’s “All I Want For Christmas is You” on loop at full volume whenever possible.

ii. When that is not possible, I recommend “Fergie — National Anthem (RemixGodSuede)” on YouTube

iii. And if you are pushed to last resorts and need another source of musical entertainment, please turn to King Princess for some royal gay content.

3. Do you wanna build a snowman? Activities recommendations:

a. Steal a tray from the dining hall and sled down the hill on the football field or the even at the Arhen’s park (two blocks from campus)

b. You could always try falling on your ass as slushy snow remnants freeze to torture you as you walk to your 8 a.m. classes.

c. If you’re bored, you could always leave Fetish Harris this weekend and find a nice metal pole to lick.

d. If you’re looking for a snack, the Oracle panini at 1854 Deli in the back of Saints is a gift to the world that should be cherished this holiday season.

e. Another perk is buying hot chocolate from the Grill, the only downside being you have to provide your own marshmallows, so I recommend everyone keep a fully-stocked reserve of marshmallows on their person at all times.

f. Finally, if you’re feeling on edge, make some candy cane spears and read articles about Union of Grinnell Student Dining Workers (UGSDW).

“How do we spread cheer in these trying times?” you may ask. Well I’ll tell you. First, you should probably face your family. If they are horrible, I recommend exclusively wearing camo clothing and refusing to respond when spoken too. My brother tried this for a week in fourth grade and it was very successful.

You could also use your advanced college education to build an ugly Christmas sweater that can launch marshmallows at your heteronormative relatives every time they ask if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet (you should already have the marshmallows on hand from previous advice). But for the family you love, the ones who have your back, you should prepare hand-curated gifts that you make on the crafts side of the grill and on the airplane home to annoy all the people sitting around you with your glitter glue.

Finally, on campus, when I asked my friend (who is still a candidate in search of friendship — please see my last article for details), she said the best way to spread Christmas cheer was to randomly compliment strangers at every possible opportunity. So take it upon yourself readers to make this the best holidays ever as twenty-gayteen comes to a slow and grueling conclusion.

—Gaylord Phoenix