The Scarlet & Black

The Independent Student News Site of Grinnell College

The Scarlet & Black

The Scarlet & Black

“Troll 2”… Wait, there was a “Troll 1”?

Jose Mendez – Hannah Hwang

Column by Jose Mendez

Jose Mendez - Hannah Hwang

Have you ever had an itch that just kept coming back, no matter what you did to try and get rid it? Well if you have, then good news because I am that itch. And just like that itch that just fucking won’t go away, I am back with one more movie rant-review for the last, last time. I am going to review the most hated, most critically rejected and most fucking wasted use of my time in watching something besides “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.” And no, I am not talking about “The Human Centipede,” because that movie is just disgusting and not something I recommend watching with your family – trust me, I’ve made that mistake. I’m actually talking about 1990’s “Troll 2.”

Despite its title, this bullshit excuse of a movie does not actually serve as a sequel to “Troll.” Funnily enough, the studio behind this terrible movie did not have confidence in its success in the U.S., so it changed its title from “Goblins” to “Troll 2” in order to ride off the semi-successful reviews of a completely unrelated movie called “Troll.” Think about that — the studio had to change the name of its movie in order to make sure it wouldn’t seem too horrible. Well, sucks for them, because no one fell for that trick, and it’s deemed one of the worst movies ever made. Also, this movie contains no trolls whatsoever … It’s that stupid. But let’s get to the actual story of it.

This movie follows the life of Joshua, a punk little brat whose family goes on a camping trip and stops at a small farm-town called Nilbog. Keep in mind that this town’s name becomes the twist of the movie. If you can figure it out before I reach it in this review, give yourself a pat on the back. The citizens of this town are so friendly and kind that Joshua’s entire family (except for him) begin to feel at home. What they don’t know is that the people of this town are actually flesh-eating goblins. The only reason that Joshua knows about this town’s secret is because the ghost of his dead grandfather warned him. Oh yeah, this grandpa must have had some sort of ‘godly’ powers because he literally pauses the space-time continuum just so Joshua can pull his dick out and piss all over his family’s food on the dinner table (he thinks the food will poison his family). Let me just say that, although Joshua is right about all these goblins and his entire family are complete idiots, little Josh should have just said, “Fuck it, I’m out,” once he began to see that his family wouldn’t listen to him. Who cares!? Not Joshua obviously, since he hates his whole family. His family only begins to realize the “horror” that they are in once they begin to see the goblins eating each member of their family and Joshua looking directly at the camera and stating, “Here comes the twist everyone … hang on to your seatbelts … trust me it’s going to be a doozy … drumroll please … Nilbog (the name of the town) is goblin spelled backwards!” From then on, the cheesiness of this movie goes on full blast.

This movie has so many “so bad it’s funny-sad” moments. There’s even a scene in this movie that’s become a meme. It involves Joshua’s brother witnessing the death of his friend being eaten by goblins. During this scene he yells (in the most terrible acting of the 1990s), “They’re eating her, and then they are going to eat me… OH MY GOD!” Dank memes, people. Another stand-out scene plays out like a poorly made, fetish-themed porno. A goblin, disguised as a “sexy” brunette, seduces a teen male with corn, but this horny kid prefers popcorn instead. But no biggie, because as the two start fucking in the kid’s RV, the corn starts popping and popcorn can be seen as it is thrown all over them just like fireworks. Oh yeah, and the kid dies from choking on popcorn. That’s how you go out people, that’s how you fucking go out like a boss. By the end, Joshua is able to defeat the queen goblin, or witch or female goblin, I don’t know – the point is that he survives and saves his mother by receiving a “secret weapon” from one of his dead family members. He’s given a paper bag containing the “secret weapon” to use against the goblins. As the goblins begin to reach him, Joshua opens the bag, revealing a “double-decker Bologna sandwich.” He eats the sandwich, making his body poisonous to the goblins, then touches the Stonehenge Stone (the source of the goblins) and saves the day.

While it may have a couple of cringe-worthy laughs, it is just an awful excuse for cinema. Every aspect of this movie is just so bad! Beyond cringe-worthy, this movie just becomes laughably terrible and stupid. The writing, the acting, the directing, the special effects, the pacing  and the music are just abysmal and god-awful. But if you’re in the mood for one of the most hilarious bad movies ever made, and you’re pretty fucked up with your friends, I suppose “Troll 2” is the perfect way to fall asleep. It’s just genuinely terrible. And with that, I leave you all with a heart-felt goodbye.  But remember, “NILBOG IS GOBLIN SPELLED BACKWARDS!”

Leave a Comment
More to Discover
Donate to The Scarlet & Black
Our Goal

Comments (0)

All The Scarlet & Black Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *