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Batman and the End of a Franchise

Jose Mendez – Hannah Hwang

Column by Jose Mendez

Alright, let’s get to the point. The movie I am going to review is not great, not even well-made. But it’s so bad, that it’s actually enjoyable to watch! This is a movie that you can watch with your family, friends (stoned or not) or even by yourself (if it’s that kind of night) and still have a great laugh. This movie stars a hero who can’t move his head to even back out of a driveway, a sidekick that seems to have fallen asleep while making the movie, a dying butler who was probably dying from the pain of making this terrible movie and a giant Arnold Schwarzenegger yelling out “cold” puns. If you haven’t guessed yet, I am talking about “Batman and Robin.” With “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” right around the corner, I feel that it’s extremely important to celebrate by reviewing this piece of garbage that killed the Batman franchise in order to give us the awesome and brooding man without parents that we all love.

So, “Batman and the End of a Franchise,” *cough* sorry, I mean, “Batman and Robin,” is the fourth movie in the Batman film series and was released in 1997. I won’t spoil anything about this monstrosity but let me tell you why it’s terrible and why I still watch it. Please, no pity needed. Let’s get this straight: if the director of a movie has to publicly apologize for his own work then you know he messed up. After director Joel Schumacher’s flop in “Batman Forever,” I doubted that he would learn from his mistakes. When the movie first came out, I only saw the posters and the toys, and even though I was only a wee baby back then, I was totally pumped to see another Batman film. We got George Clooney as Batman, which sadly makes Val Kilmer’s Batman from “Batman Forever” seem like the actual Dark Knight himself. Seriously, Clooney just seems like he stumbled on set and was asked, “Hey, wanna make a couple million dollars by underacting, wobbling your head in every scene and wearing a Batman suit with nipples?” “Sure, why not?” Honestly, George, at least act like you’re someone else other than yourself. But hey, if I could be him for a day, I would. Why not?

The movie starts out really cheesy and Schwarzenegger pops onto the screen as Mr. Freeze looking like an ice cream truck crashed into him and he somehow wrapped himself up in the truck. From that point on we see him yelling out terrible puns like “chill,” “freeze,” “cool off” and most famously, “What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!” Yeah, that’s the dialogue in this movie. Honestly, I’ve heard better dialogue in “Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones,” but I will leave that for another day. Robin is also in this movie, but barely—I feel like they just left him in the movie so that Clooney wouldn’t suffer alone from this film. Oh, and Poison Ivy, Bane and Batgirl are in it, too. I won’t even start on them—watch the movie yourself if you really want to see these horrible, laughable characters. Let’s just say Bane looked faker than WWE wrestling.

Okay, I know I’ve been ranting about this movie, but it’s just that bad … yet also funny to watch. And not a “Haha these jokes are just too good, they’re golden” sort of funny but an “Oh gosh, I feel sorry for them, and I think Arnold is actually trying” funny. I’ll leave you with the premise of this movie: Mr. Freeze is gathering a bunch of diamonds because his poorly-made ice cream truck suit runs on diamonds and he’s making a huge diamond-powered gun that he plans to freeze Gotham City with in order to hold it for ransom for billions of dollars so he can find the cure for his wife. Did that sound as idiotic and laughable as you read it as it did when I typed it? But if this movie did lead to the Dark Knight Trilogy, then awesome. That being said, this movie gets no credit for anything in life and I wish you all a good day!

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