5:30 a.m.—Dreaming. The classic Cupcake Wizard and snowmobile scenario. Just try me, Freud.
8:30 a.m.—The obligatory, “I woke up and didn’t want to so I hit the snooze (!) and then woke up at a later time I felt was more in agreement with my desires.”
I dunno, like 9:45 a.m.—Roll to GrillE, step on an ant on the way. Guess I’m not a morning person.
9:50 a.m.—That ant had a family, dammit, or at least a colony of near genetic clones that responded to its secretions. Same diff.
9:51 a.m.—Obtain coffee, can now caffeinate and think less morbid thoughts.
9:52 a.m.—My oral sensitivity prevents caffeine intake … It’s terrifying you (and your giant shoe) can smite on accident. Like an irresponsible God.
10:04 a.m.—Class. [Professor Andrew] Graham, [Chemistry], talks Chemistry after detailing the surprising digestive fate of mandarin oranges when consumed by toddlers.
11:36 a.m.—Lunch time? Who the hell actually remembers what goes on in a day?
11:49 a.m.—Converse something complicated with Nathan Kim ’16. It’s clear we have no idea what we’re talking about, but hot damn it sounds sophisticated (i.e. interdisciplinary approach).
12:12 p.m.—Deceived by Sung-Koo Lee ’15 and his tricky snail.
1:30 p.m.—Watch some ski videos in Burling. Gawk and flail around in response.
1:32 p.m.—Why will no one talk about Mr. Cheddar and the straight hammers he’s been dropping this season? The dude SHREDS.
1:47 p.m.—I engage in some book learning.
2:12 p.m.—I come across a mysterious key, glowing with an ancient radiant energy. Do I a) Take the key and try it in a door or b) get back to work as it’s only been 30 min? If you selected option a, go to 12:34 a.m. If you selected b, go to 3:48 p.m.
3:48 p.m.—On the way to Le Brande, make joke in passing to Johncharles Ward ’16. It goes poorly, will regret it the rest of the day.
4:20 p.m.—Afternoon tea, Earl Grey this afternoon. Think about cooking.
5:15 p.m.—Thought about cooking and now at the dining hall with Emily Stuchiner ’15. (EMILY YOU GOT A SHOUT OUT!!)
6:09 p.m.—Ask Devin Doyle ’15 about the possibility of playing metal covers of Chief Keef. The band would be called Chief Greef, obvi.
7:12 p.m.—Reading for the second time in one day. Call my mom to let her know how hard I’m working. Abandon conversation once post-grad plans are brought up.
10:14 p.m.—In preparation for the weekly radio show, entitled “Ventriloquizing Automata: Muppets in a Post-Sesame World,” drink some tea with Dan Connelly ’15, a Purple Urkel-Trainwreck blend, very fragrant.
11:10 p.m.—Shout out to our one listener. In anguish, realize the show is a glorified conference call.
12:12 a.m.—Finish our tea.
12:38 a.m.—Reflect on the day: “Did you really only talk to four people?” “Well I did some waving too …”
12:47 a.m.—Day is over sucker and you can’t go back cuz that’s cheating.
