By Mary Binzley and McKen
[Dear Dr. Meulemans: After spending three weeks in therapy benefiting greatly under your care, we can confidently say that we now have the authority to pay it forward and help other people with their problems. Please call us Dr. Doherty and Dr. Binzley from this point forward. Also, if you have any questions about romance, sports, etc. don’t hesitate to reach out. We hold multiple Ph. Ds in love and varying extracurriculars.]
This week, we perused the popular unofficial Instagram page (not in any way affiliated with the College), @missedconnections.gc. We were baffled to observe that no one seems to be answering anyone’s inquiries! No need to fear; we will now give our fellow students professional advice. We hope we can help each and every one of these anonymous posters in their pursuit to find love.
Dear @missedconnections.gc,
How do I get a boy to love me?
Thanks,
Loveless in Iowa
Hey Loveless,
According to science, people fall in love when you nurse them back to health. So, a foolproof way to get ANYBODY to fall in love with you is as follows: first, create a trap that injures them. Next, make sure you are there when said injury occurs so you can help them, and they can fall in love with you. It works every time (in fact, I met my husband of 36 years in this exact way).
Love,
The Doctors
Dear @missedconnections.gc,
Where’d that cute short girl living in North Campus go? Miss seeing her speed across Mac with her tiny little legs.
Love,
Mr. Struggle in Mears
Hi Mr. Struggle,
If your desired girl is short, speedy, has short legs and lives in North Campus, I’m sorry to tell you, but that’s not your girl … that’s actually a Grinnell College fox squirrel. I would bet that you could find her in a nearby tree or foraging for nuts in the grass.
Sincerely,
The Doctors
Dear @missedconnections.gc,
I think I might be in love with my best friend … any advice?
Sincerely,
Numb in Noyce
Dear Numb in Noyce,
Does that mean you are in love with yourself? Because you should be your own best friend! #SelfCare.
Hope this helped!
The Doctors
Dear @missedconnections.gc,
I really like this person in my class, but I don’t think she likes me back RIP 🙁
Cheers,
Hopeless in the HSSC
Hi Hopeless,
Don’t worry, we’ve experienced this often. I mean, leadership is a really attractive trait. Seeing a professor teach a classroom of undergrads should be rated X because it’s Hot with a capital H. Unfortunately, many professors worry about the ethics of getting involved romantically with their students. Never fear. They can always be swayed. Jobs are temporary, but love is forever. Go to office hours and bring your most boring academic book, and that should get them just in the right mood 🙂
Professionally,
The Doctors
Dear @missedconnections.gc,
Any strategies for finding a girlfriend at Grinnell?
Help,
Solitary in Steiner
Hi Solitary,
Just call us Bobby “Chess Man” Fisher, because we have strategies for days. Unfortunately, none of them have been successful. However, here are some strategies for finding a well-rounded, confident woman: First, keep in mind that every woman you meet is a well-rounded, confident woman. Second, make sure you are up-to-speed on the Ice Age franchise. Thirdly, make sure you are not only up-to-speed but that you are also FAST. What more could a woman want than a speedy man? (Well, we can think of one instance where it wouldn’t be the best. But that’s a secret you won’t know until you’re married.) If you follow these guidelines, you should be able to find a woman lickety-split!
Cordially,
The Doctors
Dear @missedconnections.gc,
What are emotions? SSSSS
Salutations,
Mark Zuckerberg
Hi Mark,
Ruh roh! Sorry to hear that! Looks like you’re not a human. Here’s some information we can pass along for this transition: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lizard.
Cheers,
The Doctors
[You’re welcome. Feel free to contact us via email if you have more questions.]
