Sure, it’s February, but it’s never too late to start working on yourself. I’m sure you set some flimsy resolutions like “read for six hours and workout for three every day, five minutes of Instagram per week only,” but I’m here to give you a much better, more reasonable one.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Cry more
Let those tears out. You need this, and you know you want to. And if you’re someone who “doesn’t cry,” this is even more relevant. It’s a natural, healthy, human expression of strong emotion. I would even count a happy cry towards this! Trust me, you’ll feel better.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Stay awake during movies
I know some Tauruses who genuinely can’t help but fall asleep during a movie, and that’s ok. But for the rest of you, give it your all to make it through a full, feature-length movie. Maybe start with an hour and a half and finally work your way up to all 3 hours and 26 minutes of “Killers of the Flower Moon.” It’ll be worth it, I promise.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Stop taking fake “social media breaks”
Either delete your account or stop talking about it. I’m a culprit of this too, but please let’s get some backbone and wherewithal this year. I think that if you already have an unhealthy relationship with social media, a time limit or one week off Instagram isn’t really going to do anything, so 2026 is the year of making a real choice for yourself. Commit to your addiction or quit altogether.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Disagree with people more often
I’m not saying you should “play devil’s advocate,” don’t be that guy. But you’re so loving and empathetic to all, it’s time for you to practice expressing your own opinions, emotions, beliefs, etc. I’m sure you’ll find a kind and gentle way to do it.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Start flossing your teeth
Your dentist definitely knows what they’re talking about with this one. Let me tell you all a little story. Once I started flossing, getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist stopped hurting. This is for your own good.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): Listen to more Björk
I feel like a lot of people’s resolutions have to do with “locking in” and getting more serious, but I think Virgos need the opposite. Go for the deep cuts that are kind of hard to listen to. Get loose and turn that Björk up!
Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 23): Be on time to at least one thing per week
Or even better, be early. Let’s respect other people’s time this year, Libras. To make this an achievable resolution, the most important thing is figuring out which of your work/school/social events are acceptable to be a little late to and which ones you absolutely have to be on time for.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21): Stop worrying about your “vibe”
Let’s tone it down a little bit this year, eh? You’ve already cultivated enough of an edgy, sexy, smoldering persona. In 2026 you should relax and just move through the world as if there’s no eyes on you, because there’s not! Be yourself <3
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Text your friends and loved ones back
It’s SUPER charming that it’s impossible to reach you, don’t get me wrong, but please check in once in a while in 2026. In all seriousness, I understand how hard this can be, but a resolution shouldn’t come easy. We all miss and worry about you!
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Quit vaping
Right now, right here is the time. Guys, it’s gotta stop. I love you all and I get it, I really do, but we’re adults now and it’s destroying your lungs. This one isn’t a joke to me and can apply to any of the signs that vape.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Stop journaling
Seriously, we’ve had enough. I don’t think it’s doing anything for you anymore, you’re still recounting things that happened three years ago. 2026 is a time for you to break free and do a lot less self reflection.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Eat a delicious breakfast every morning
This will honestly change your life. It’s hard to find time, but one of my favorite things is waking up a little earlier than I would otherwise to enjoy a quiet breakfast and coffee. It just gets you started on the right note in the morning.
