David Harrison’s new grading policy: Glorify David Harrison

As we start this exciting and historic semester, it’s time for me to reveal my new grading policy, effective January 20. Henceforth, to get an A in any of my courses, students must publicly and enthusiastically praise me, especially when I say something stupid. Everyone else gets an F and will be told to transfer.

Sorry, I don’t mean “me.” Or “I.” Because henceforth, I shall refer to myself exclusively in the third person. Rather: David Harrison shall refer to David Harrison exclusively in the third person.

To return, then, to the subject at hand: henceforth, to get an A from David Harrison, students must volubly praise David Harrison. Examples of suitable praise include: “David Harrison is the strongest man in Poweshiek County.” “David Harrison is the star of the tennis team — men’s or women’s.” “David Harrison knows more about chemistry than Mark Levandoski and Elaine Marzluff put together.” “David Harrison is more popular than that loser wearing the crown in the Herrick Chapel stained glass window.”  

Those who make such statements will henceforth be known as “Harrisonites,” as well as “Beautiful People” and “True Patriots.” Everyone else will henceforth be known as “Losers.” As well as “Sad, Sad People,” “Harrison Haters” and “Grinnellians in Name Only” (GiNO).

This is a completely equitable grading policy that makes no distinctions based on race, ethnicity, geography, age, sexual orientation, gender identity, physical ability, social class, hair color, shyness, pregnancy, lack of pregnancy, piercing, five o’clock shadow or creed. It makes only one distinction: loyalty, or lack of loyalty — where loyalty = praising David Harrison at all times, no matter what.

With this new policy in place, David Harrison will take over the Committee for Academic Standing (CAS) to improve its sad, sad treatment of academic honesty. It stands to reason that since David Harrison is the smartest, best professor at Grinnell, any criticism of David Harrison is, de facto, a case of academic dishonesty. Watch out, Harrison Haters: CAS is coming after you!

Registration will also be similarly reformed to reward loyalty. Henceforth, Beautiful People will be given priority over Losers for getting into all courses. Waiting lists will be organized as follows: 1) Seniors who have taken all their courses with David Harrison; 2) Juniors who would rather study with David Harrison than go to Denmark; 3) Second-years who love DH more than FYE; and 4) First-years who have never heard of David Harrison but call him the best professor in the history of the College.  

Financial aid, library fines, and room draw will also be transformed, making for more efficient systems that allow the best, most beautiful students to get the resources that are rightfully theirs, while denying opportunities to the GiNOs who should have gone to a community college anyway.

Athletic teams from other colleges will need to pay a fee, in whatever crypto currency strikes David Harrison’s fancy, for the privilege of competing at the college where David Harrison teaches. Noncompliant teams will have their clothing impounded.

Administrators who stand in the way of these changes will be politely asked to employ their incompetence elsewhere, like Kum & Go. If the Board of Trustees objects, David Harrison will say, “Hey, isn’t that a bald eagle over there?” And when the Board turns to look, David Harrison will implement the changes. Take that, BOT!

All told, the new grading policy promises to make Grinnell College the best college in this universe, or any other, while conferring enormous benefits to everyone — but especially to David Harrison.