The signs on Valentine’s Day

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) 

Drops half of their dining dollars on 36 raspberry-strawberry smoothies from the Grill to place in the shape of a heart on Mac Field, visible from the window of their crush’s dorm in the Gates tower. 

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) 

Finishes a first date in the emergency room after a well-intentioned box of chocolates makes them feel things in a way that it really shouldn’t. Currently petitioning, “What are you allergic to?” to be an acceptable opening line.

Aries (March 21 – April 19) 

Commissions a bestie to dress up in a tuxedo and act as a waiter for their black tie dinner date in D-Hall. Table cloth: placed. Vase of roses: present. Plate of stir fry: hand-delivered. 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) 

A night in with their recent adoptee from PALS turns weird when boredom and a brownie baked by their friend in Cleve leads to an impromptu sampling of Fancy Feast.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) 

A night with the gals in Bob’s Underground turns decidedly un-romantic when a suggestion to whip out the ol’ ouija board leaves the status of all friendships involved in flux. 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) 

Gets jealous of Galentine’s Day traditions and decides to recite poetry with their favorite bros on Mac Field. A passerby tells them to watch Dead Poets Society, but luckily they all fall asleep before making it to the end — cuddling was just too comfy. 

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22) 

Talks their way out of an awkward conversation with a Facilities Management worker when the sex swing they screwed into their dorm ceiling on Rose third floor ultimately could not handle the velocity of their late-night activities.  

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) 

Hitchhikes to Lion’s Den in full uwu regalia to create a sexy surprise for their partner. 

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Stocks up on rose petals, bath bombs, duct tape and a plastic tarp at Walmart. East Campus dorms might not have bathtubs, but Libras are crafty and WILL be having a sexy spa night.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) 

Finally achieves bingo on their campus boinking chart by taking a little adventure to the Burling Library jungle gym. Signs their name under the hanging lampshade to commemorate the passionate affair.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) 

One-on-one turns to four, then to 17 when half the football team decides to join in their intimate movie date showing of “The Proposal” just to get a peek at Ryan Reynolds. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) 

Spends the evening alone in their dorm mourning their recent break up. Ends up knocking Oliva Rodrigo’s “Driver’s License” off the charts for best breakup ballads with a new single titled, “SO Many Squirrels.”