The Scarlet & Black

The Independent Student News Site of Grinnell College

The Scarlet & Black

The Scarlet & Black

Feven Getachew
Feven Getachew
May 6, 2024
Michael Lozada
Michael Lozada
May 6, 2024
Nathan Hoffman
Nathan Hoffman
May 6, 2024
Harvey Wilhelm `24.
Harvey Wilhelm
May 6, 2024

The Scarlet & Black Horoscope: The Signs as Presidential Candidates


By the Celestial Maiden and the Celestial Minion



Trying this again one last time. Has been planning to fix this shit for forty years. (vote Bernie!)



Basically running on a joint ticket with their wife. Rocks a mean pantsuit but might lose it all.



Runs a negative campaign ad based on the opponent peeing their pants. Gets too drunk with their constituents and has to drop out due to scandal.



Is only polling this high because they’re hot. Goes on the road for the campaign in a retrofitted hippie van.



Focuses all their energy on Iowa. Falls off a windmill in a national tragedy, sparking CIA conspiracy theories for decades.



Gets mistaken for a Jehovah’s Witness while door-knocking. Drops out early but still somehow ends up the veep.



Campaign platform solely based on the transcendentalist idea of an oversoul. Somehow still believes in capitalism.



Flexes that they’ve read Ulysses at a campaign event. Has a nudes scandal, and experiences a jump in the polls.



Exaggerates their relationship with Christ for the evangelical vote. Shakes hands too tightly.



Practices debate prep with their significant other. Looks the best on stage but lacks substance.



Constantly attributes quotes to the wrong owners in their speeches. Breaks down crying at a campaign event when someone shares a personal anecdote.



Doesn’t want to hold anyone’s baby. Has a logo that involves their face. 

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