By the Celestial Maiden and the Celestial Minion
VIRGO
Trying this again one last time. Has been planning to fix this shit for forty years. (vote Bernie!)
LIBRA
Basically running on a joint ticket with their wife. Rocks a mean pantsuit but might lose it all.
SCORPIO
Runs a negative campaign ad based on the opponent peeing their pants. Gets too drunk with their constituents and has to drop out due to scandal.
SAGITTARIUS
Is only polling this high because they’re hot. Goes on the road for the campaign in a retrofitted hippie van.
CAPRICORN
Focuses all their energy on Iowa. Falls off a windmill in a national tragedy, sparking CIA conspiracy theories for decades.
AQUARIUS
Gets mistaken for a Jehovah’s Witness while door-knocking. Drops out early but still somehow ends up the veep.
PISCES
Campaign platform solely based on the transcendentalist idea of an oversoul. Somehow still believes in capitalism.
ARIES
Flexes that they’ve read Ulysses at a campaign event. Has a nudes scandal, and experiences a jump in the polls.
TAURUS
Exaggerates their relationship with Christ for the evangelical vote. Shakes hands too tightly.
GEMINI
Practices debate prep with their significant other. Looks the best on stage but lacks substance.
CANCER
Constantly attributes quotes to the wrong owners in their speeches. Breaks down crying at a campaign event when someone shares a personal anecdote.
LEO
Doesn’t want to hold anyone’s baby. Has a logo that involves their face.
