By the Celestial Maiden and the Celestial Minion

VIRGO

Trying this again one last time. Has been planning to fix this shit for forty years. (vote Bernie!)

LIBRA

Basically running on a joint ticket with their wife. Rocks a mean pantsuit but might lose it all.

SCORPIO

Runs a negative campaign ad based on the opponent peeing their pants. Gets too drunk with their constituents and has to drop out due to scandal.

SAGITTARIUS

Is only polling this high because they’re hot. Goes on the road for the campaign in a retrofitted hippie van.

CAPRICORN

Focuses all their energy on Iowa. Falls off a windmill in a national tragedy, sparking CIA conspiracy theories for decades.

AQUARIUS 

Gets mistaken for a Jehovah’s Witness while door-knocking. Drops out early but still somehow ends up the veep.

PISCES 

Campaign platform solely based on the transcendentalist idea of an oversoul. Somehow still believes in capitalism.

ARIES

Flexes that they’ve read Ulysses at a campaign event. Has a nudes scandal, and experiences a jump in the polls.

TAURUS 

Exaggerates their relationship with Christ for the evangelical vote. Shakes hands too tightly.

GEMINI

Practices debate prep with their significant other. Looks the best on stage but lacks substance.

CANCER 

Constantly attributes quotes to the wrong owners in their speeches. Breaks down crying at a campaign event when someone shares a personal anecdote.

LEO

Doesn’t want to hold anyone’s baby. Has a logo that involves their face.