By the Celestial Maiden and the Celestial Minion

VIRGO

Nothing says ‘thriving’ like finally cutting your bangs into that mullet you’ve always wanted.

LIBRA

Don’t stop believing … but try not to jump on that midnight train going anywhere. They will expel you.

SCORPIO

You’re going to get down like the Berlin Wall this weekend… With mass political unrest and sledgehammers.

SAGITTARIUS

Everyone will be wearing mom jeans. Take it in the other direction and wear head to toe spandex this weekend … and we mean head to toe.

CAPRICORN

Don’t forget your shoulder pads this week. Someone might forget you’re the one in charge.

AQUARIUS

When it comes to white powders, you might want to stick with sugar. Anything else will keep you up too late.

PISCES

Everybody wants to rule the world, but you secretly do. Be aware of your power with the full moon in your sign this weekend.

ARIES

You want to dance with somebody … so dance with them.

It’s gonna be righteous.

TAURUS

Call me? Don’t you want me? No, they don’t. Stop asking for more than others can give.

GEMINI

You’ve got yourself in a bizarre love triangle. You’re the queen of indecision so just have fun in your love shack.

CANCER

Don’t let your head get bigger than your hair. Or your heart, for that matter. Actually, let’s just keep everything small this week.

LEO

Like Reagan, you’ve been putting the blame on those you dislike. Recognize that your system isn’t working.