This horoscope is for seniors only. The job hunt has been really stressful for everyone. If you’re disenchanted with the whole thing and looking for an alternative, I’ve thought of some options. In all seriousness, though, no matter what you do after graduation, I’m proud of you. You’re killing it and succeeding and being amazing.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Go geocaching
Many people do this as a hobby, but I want you to let it take over your entire life. They’ve never seen this level of commitment before, and you’ll go down in history as the most successful geocacher of all time.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Crack open a beer or two on the back porch
This is a really short term solution, I suppose, but keep in mind that you could do this multiple times in a row. Homebody Taurus probably couldn’t think of anything better than this and a few friends. This might be a little harder in the winter, though, depending in where you live.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Join an amateur acapella group
Geminis are always yapping, so just channel that energy into singing. Plus, this could be a great way to make friends in a new city. Strange friends, maybe, but friends nonetheless.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Join a recreational basketball league
Regardless of skill level I think this is a great next step for you, and they would be lucky to have you. Invest in some sweatbands and really baggy shorts. Time to go hard in the paint.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Become a pro-bono club promoter
I hear the best way to break into the industry is by promoting clubs without them asking you to. Just stand outside and start yelling. It doesn’t matter if you don’t actually have any connections or if they don’t pay you. Do it for the love of the game.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Lowball people on eBay
Your success rate will be low to start out, sure, but if you channel all of your energy into sending insanely low offers, statistically you have to have a couple wins. Never back down and never give up.
Libra (September 23 – October 23): Collage
This might truly be my path. The important thing here is you can’t try to sell them or get good at collage or anything. I don’t mean you should become an artist, which is a real job, I mean you should just do it for you.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21): Use Hinge a lot
You don’t necessarily have to go on dates or even talk to any of these people, I just want you to be clocking like three hours a day on the app. This might be bad for your mental health after a while, but hey, maybe you’ll find love!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Dig a big hole in the park
You can do this one for as long as you want. Imagine how huge the hole would get after a year or two. If you can’t get a permit or something to dig in the park, I recommend operating under the cover of darkness.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Wikipedia
Self explanatory. Never stop learning. It’s not called a “rabbithole” anymore, it’s called your life. After studying up for a while you should get into editing, too. I donate to Wikipedia regularly to support the life trajectories of people like you.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Start conducting experiments
I believe in your ability to set up your own makeshift lab and begin some nefarious experiments. This could easily be a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation. Try not to do anything too evil.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Write a one-person show
This could be a real job depending on who you are. But I’m recommending this even for those who have no experience writing or acting. We do NOT want to hear what you have to say, but go ahead and tell us anyway!
