At first, this piece was titled “Which film bro movie are you?”, but I thought this was a little more apt. And listen, I don’t mean “bro movie” as a bad thing! I’m a woman, and I love a lot of these. There’s nothing wrong with being a film a lot of men like. It’s just a little funny.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Taxi Driver
I had to start with what I consider the quintessential film bro movie. I tried to watch this on a flight one time, and I got through abou t 75 percent of it before my phone died. I liked what I saw though, and I think Aries are impulsive and at times violent (metaphorically) like Travis.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Mulholland Drive
A film bro movie about women! Maybe this is a weird choice for Taurus because they crave stability and this movie is anything but that, but I think what the characters are searching for is stability or some kind of normalcy.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Requiem for a Dream
Geminis are complicated, like the intertwined storylines of this movie. And they’re gritty at times, but also marked by a sincere tenderness.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): 2001: A Space Odyssey
Cancers are sensitive and reflective, much like this movie. They’re also quite the characters, who many don’t understand but claim to.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): The Wolf of Wall Street
This one is a little bit of an insult. I know a lot of people who like this movie and I’m sure it’s great, but my dad doesn’t like it (he works in finance and has great taste in movies) so I’m not going to watch it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): The Silence of the Lambs
I kind of think this movie has some feminist aspects, although of course it is deeply flawed. Clarice’s tenacity and earnestness is very Virgo, as is the fact that she’s doing the right thing.
Libra (September 23 – October 23): American Psycho
This movie is super over-hyped in my opinion, but it has some good parts (the business card scene). No matter, Libras can probably understand Patrick Bateman’s obsession with beauty and perfection — I just hope they don’t take it to this extreme.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21): Pulp Fiction
Pulp Fiction is almost too much of a stereotype to include. I think Scorpios would like to think they’re Mia Wallace, but that’s not a good person to relate to, guys.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Goodfellas
This movie is lit as hell. Obviously the violence is horrifying and it’s wildly sexist, but what’s better than a bunch of dudes hanging out and working as a team (kind of). Sagittarians kind of have 70s Italian mobster energy.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): There Will Be Blood
Capricorns can be cold and ambitious and professional, but everyone’s a little scared of what they have under the surface. I think Capricorns can probably relate to cut-throat and obsessive Daniel Plainview, as well as to false-prophet, power-hungry Eli Sunday.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): The Social Network
A really great movie even though there’s a lot of annoying smart guys in it. But they’re annoying smart guys who you kind of have empathy for, and I think that’s beautiful. I’m sure every Aquarius, no matter their gender identity, relates to at least one annoying smart guy in this movie.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): The Lighthouse
This whole horoscope was inspired because I recently watched The Lighthouse, and I loved it! But it is 110 percent a film bro movie. This one was too easy, there’s a whole lot of badass fish imagery in this movie.
