This week, I tried to divine your deepest, darkest secret based solely on my (biased and uninformed) understanding of your sign. I feel like I got a lot of these right though! So I suppose it’s no longer a secret …
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your favorite movie is Talladega Nights
Yeah, this is a little embarrassing. This movie is funny, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not sure if it’s favorite movie material. You probably tell people your favorite movie is The Tree of Life or something.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You have a LOT of credit card debt
Maybe you’re not even sure how much. It seems like things just got away from you, and that’s okay, it’s happened to us all. Knowing Tauruses, you’ll bounce back.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): You have a back tattoo of Big Bird
You’re impulsive at the best of times, but drunk on a trip with your friends? Forget it. This isn’t that embarrassing, and when you’re old and wrinkled you’ll have this as a memento of your unruly youth.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You have a shrine to Princess Diana in your room
Somehow she became a comfort object to you, and when you’re feeling down, you need something to hold on to in this tumultuous world. I don’t blame you, but maybe something like overeating or over shopping would get you less judgment.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You’re the one who farted in the club
We kind of all knew anyway, but we’re too nice to say it. Don’t act like you’re shocked by how bad it smells here, it’s fine, it’ll go away.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): There’s a mouse living in the back of your closet
You don’t know how it got there, but boy is it there. You’ve moved all your clothes away from it — you’re not THAT gross — but you’re too afraid to do anything about it. Ew. Get someone else to deal with it for you.
Libra (September 23 – October 23): You hate the way your partner dresses
Listen, we’ve all seen your main squeeze, it’s really fair that you feel this way. You’re definitely too kind and diplomatic to tell them directly, so maybe the way to deal with this is to surprise them with clothes you find more attractive every so often. Kind of a backhanded gift, but that really says Libra, doesn’t it?
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21): You’ve lied under oath
I’m not going to ask you for the gritty details of this, you can keep that to yourself. In fact, the less I say about this the better. I feel like I could get in trouble for knowing this.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You haven’t checked your email in weeks
You might just look at the notifications, maybe not even that. The more you let it go the worse it gets, and now you’re too afraid to even tell anyone. Been there. It’ll take way less time to go through your inbox than you think.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You pretty much never wear underwear
Business on the outside, party on the inside, I guess. Maybe you just need to spice up your day every day, or maybe it’s a practical thing because you have to buy way less and do way less laundry.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You’re addicted to energy drinks
They’re what helps you stay up all night pontificating. I think this is just a more childish version of drinking coffee all the time, so I won’t shame you too hard. But come on, let’s get real and move on to espresso or something.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You’re a lizard person
Don’t ask me how I know, I can just tell. The reptilian is an idea that goes back to 1930s science fiction, and now it’s really hard to tell who actually believes in this kind of thing and who’s joking. I guess you’re the proof they’re looking for, Pisces.
