Sage & Blunt Advice: Sulking and Single

Dear Sage & Blunt, 

 I met this girl at a party a couple weeks ago, and I’m falling fast for her. We have a palpable energy between us and have been talking and hanging non-stop. She’s in a long-distance relationship and I don’t know how to know if she’s in an open relationship or if she is exclusive with her partner. 

 Additionally, I had all but sworn off relationships this year. But if this girl wanted, I would love to start a relationship with her. I also would be happy if she just wanted to be casual. (I think. I really like her.) Should I ask her about her partner? What if she just wants to be friends and is flirty by nature? I’m freaking out, S&B, please let me know what I should do! 

Sincerely, 

Sulking and Single 

Dear Sulking and Single, 

Oh, how I love a crush. There is no sweeter bliss, no greater torture! I’m sorry that the circumstances of this one aren’t exactly ideal, but I wholeheartedly believe that it is a cause for celebration each time someone new like this comes into our lives. I hope that as you meditate on how to handle this relationship, you can return to gratitude for a genuine and exciting connection, no matter how things turn out. 

You’ll notice I use the word relationship to describe what is blossoming between you and this girl. Sulking, you are already in a relationship with her, and you will get many chances to define this relationship together as it develops. Your role in determining that definition is just as important as hers. 

I could tell you a few different things about how to handle the first part of your letter. For instance, I might say that the only way to understand the terms of her long-distance relationship with her partner is, of course, to ask her — but you already know this. And I don’t think it really matters, because to be honest with you, it is the second part of your letter that really interests me. 

 You say you had “all but sworn off” relationships, and I will assume you’re referring to the romantic variety here. Why? Why did you take romantic relationships off the table for yourself this year? What about this girl seems to have put them right back, just like that? I wish you had written me an extra three pages, Sulking, spent just pondering these questions. Write them for yourself. 

 Do you know somewhere, in your heart of hearts, that it might be better for you to be alone for a little while? I can’t know what the right thing is for you, but I can tell you not to be afraid of knowing it yourself. I’m biased, but I think getting words down on a page to process your emotions is the best thing since sliced bread (which is, to be fair, a really close second). A journal is the only place you can be so deliciously self-centered, so totally fearless. It’s the place where we admit our desires to ourselves. 

 I hear you saying that you would be happy with whatever kind of relationship this girl wanted, but I don’t believe you. I think that you want what you want, and you have to figure out if you want it so badly that you can’t imagine just being her friend. If you can, be her friend, and enjoy her flirty nature. My advice in general is to enjoy people who are flirty by nature — they are the very best of us. And if you can’t just be her friend, tell her how you feel or don’t, but I don’t think it makes sense to stay in her life. 

 Oh, and don’t even get me started on trying to define the word “casual” when it comes to sex and romance. Which is the point! You get to define it. You get to be the one who wants. Your wants might not match up with hers this time, and if that’s the case, you have my permission to sulk, but not forever. Dust yourself off, get back out there and FLIRT. It’s fun! And it doesn’t have to mean anything. More miraculous people will find you. Happy hunting! 

Signed, 

Sage & Blunt